Highlights Of The DNC

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Vol 48 Issue 36

Area Woman Dumped On 15-Week Anniversary

TACOMA, WA—Insult compounded romantic injury Saturday when local boyfriend Charles Pond not only broke up with Karen Brunhoff, the woman he has dated since last spring, but reportedly “had the nerve” to dump her on the couple’s 15-...

New Zipcarp Service Offers Short-Term Carp Rentals

BOSTON—Announcing its plan to offer short-term, affordable carp rentals for urbanites and college students who don’t own a carp of their own, Zipcarp Inc. launched a brand-new fish-sharing service earlier this month.

NFL On Fox

Fox 12:00 p.m. EDT/11:00 a.m. CDT In the empty, darkened studio, Terry Bradshaw waits quietly for someone to josh with.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

Highlights Of The DNC

The Democratic National Convention, held this week in Charlotte, NC, featured dozens of speeches, the formal adoption of the party's 2012 platform, and the official renomination of President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. Here are a few highlights from the three-day event:

  • Sasha Obama speech denouncing Guantánamo Bay human rights abuses
  • Planned Parenthood presents DNC with giant $5 million check from abortion profits
  • In horrible gaffe, Obama wears yellow tie
  • Very moderate, tempered chants of “U.S.A., U.S.A.” so as not to offend any foreign-born attendees
  • “In Memoriam” montage of all the people President Obama has had killed in drone strikes
  • Delegates worry the convention is becoming too partisan
  • Obama delivers speech to applauding Democrats who all have a problem with his first term as president
  • Cheering audience showered with celebratory red, white, and blue contraceptives following Obama's nomination
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