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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Highlights Of The DNC

The Democratic National Convention, held this week in Charlotte, NC, featured dozens of speeches, the formal adoption of the party's 2012 platform, and the official renomination of President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. Here are a few highlights from the three-day event:

  • Sasha Obama speech denouncing Guantánamo Bay human rights abuses
  • Planned Parenthood presents DNC with giant $5 million check from abortion profits
  • In horrible gaffe, Obama wears yellow tie
  • Very moderate, tempered chants of “U.S.A., U.S.A.” so as not to offend any foreign-born attendees
  • “In Memoriam” montage of all the people President Obama has had killed in drone strikes
  • Delegates worry the convention is becoming too partisan
  • Obama delivers speech to applauding Democrats who all have a problem with his first term as president
  • Cheering audience showered with celebratory red, white, and blue contraceptives following Obama's nomination

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