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Politics

Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.

Trump Asks Entire Senate To Clear Out Of Chamber So He Can Speak To Comey Alone

WASHINGTON—Entering through a side door and bidding the assembled legislators, congressional aides, and members of the media to give him a moment with the former FBI director, President Donald Trump reportedly asked the entire Senate to clear the chamber during James Comey’s testimony Thursday so he could speak to him alone.

A Timeline Of The Watergate Scandal

With the White House mired in controversy, comparisons to Washington’s most famous scandal have been common, if not always accurate. Forty-five years after the events leading to Nixon’s resignation, The Onion presents a detailed timeline of the Watergate scandal.
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Highlights Of The DNC

The Democratic National Convention, held this week in Charlotte, NC, featured dozens of speeches, the formal adoption of the party's 2012 platform, and the official renomination of President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. Here are a few highlights from the three-day event:

  • Sasha Obama speech denouncing Guantánamo Bay human rights abuses
  • Planned Parenthood presents DNC with giant $5 million check from abortion profits
  • In horrible gaffe, Obama wears yellow tie
  • Very moderate, tempered chants of “U.S.A., U.S.A.” so as not to offend any foreign-born attendees
  • “In Memoriam” montage of all the people President Obama has had killed in drone strikes
  • Delegates worry the convention is becoming too partisan
  • Obama delivers speech to applauding Democrats who all have a problem with his first term as president
  • Cheering audience showered with celebratory red, white, and blue contraceptives following Obama's nomination

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