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Highlights Of The DNC

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Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.
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Highlights Of The DNC

The Democratic National Convention, held this week in Charlotte, NC, featured dozens of speeches, the formal adoption of the party's 2012 platform, and the official renomination of President Barack Obama and Vice President Joe Biden. Here are a few highlights from the three-day event:

  • Sasha Obama speech denouncing Guantánamo Bay human rights abuses
  • Planned Parenthood presents DNC with giant $5 million check from abortion profits
  • In horrible gaffe, Obama wears yellow tie
  • Very moderate, tempered chants of “U.S.A., U.S.A.” so as not to offend any foreign-born attendees
  • “In Memoriam” montage of all the people President Obama has had killed in drone strikes
  • Delegates worry the convention is becoming too partisan
  • Obama delivers speech to applauding Democrats who all have a problem with his first term as president
  • Cheering audience showered with celebratory red, white, and blue contraceptives following Obama's nomination

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