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Man With Strong Brand Loyalty Willing To Kill For Mazda

In a stern warning aimed at critics of Mazdas everywhere, area man Matthew Hunker, a longtime Mazda driver with two Mazdas in his garage at home, said Thursday his loyalty to the car manufacturer was so strong that he would be willing to kill in its name.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Highlights Of 'The Hobbit'

Excitement is building ahead of next week’s opening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the first in a three-part series based on the classic J.R.R. Tolkien fantasy novel. Here’s what to expect from the surefire blockbuster:

  • First 75 minutes of film to recap what happened in Lord Of The Rings trilogy
  • As it takes place decades in the past, all dwarves have flattops and denim jackets
  • Younger version of Gollum played by Channing Tatum
  • A well-placed record-scratch sound effect after Gandalf proposes Bilbo as key member of the expedition
  • Bilbo is forced to challenge Gollum to a game of one-on-one basketball
  • Since fans have had enough time to learn, Elvish language will not be subtitled
  • Bilbo’s hobbit-hole has wall-to-wall carpeting
  • Casting of actual wizards instead of actors playing wizards
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