Highlights Of 'The Hobbit'

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Vol 48 Issue 49

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye

Chad Greene and Danielle Faye were married before friends and family this weekend, but as of press time it was not known if the ceremony was beautiful.

Oscar Mayer Unveils New Weiner Drone

The 15-year-old Duchess of McComb, Alabama announces her pregnancy, a 38-year-old little boy posts a picture of a fast car he likes on Facebook, and the nation's hardass cops finally find time to play games.

Pot, Gay Marriage Now Legal In Washington

Same-sex marriage licenses became available in Washington state yesterday at 12:01 a.m., and at the same time, a voter-backed law decriminalizing the recreational use of marijuana took effect.

Chris Christie Dreaming About 72-Inch Springsteen Sub

TRENTON, NJ—Slowly licking his lips and salivating as he indulged his imagination, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly spent most of Friday afternoon alone in his office daydreaming about a mouthwatering 72-inch Springsteen sub.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

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Highlights Of 'The Hobbit'

Excitement is building ahead of next week’s opening of The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey, the first in a three-part series based on the classic J.R.R. Tolkien fantasy novel. Here’s what to expect from the surefire blockbuster:

  • First 75 minutes of film to recap what happened in Lord Of The Rings trilogy
  • As it takes place decades in the past, all dwarves have flattops and denim jackets
  • Younger version of Gollum played by Channing Tatum
  • A well-placed record-scratch sound effect after Gandalf proposes Bilbo as key member of the expedition
  • Bilbo is forced to challenge Gollum to a game of one-on-one basketball
  • Since fans have had enough time to learn, Elvish language will not be subtitled
  • Bilbo’s hobbit-hole has wall-to-wall carpeting
  • Casting of actual wizards instead of actors playing wizards
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