Highlights Of UFC 111

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Vol 46 Issue 13

NBA To Start Charging Teams For Free Throws

NEW YORK—In an effort to increase the league's revenue and offset the expensive cost of foul shots, commissioner David Stern announced Monday that the NBA would begin charging teams a $50 fee per free throw attempt.

Chimp In Cocaine Study Starts Lying To Friends

ATLANTA—Early in the study, Bobo's elevated mood and excessive chattering made him quite popular among the other chimpanzees. But researchers claimed that his increased irritability, short temper, and absenteeism at the jungle gym did not go unnoticed.
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Highlights Of UFC 111

  • After winning by disqualification thanks to Greg Soto's illegal upkick, Matt Riddle celebrates by rolling his eyes back into his head and yammering gibberish
  • Mark Bocek is disqualified for a time delay when he is unable to choose between Disturbed and Staind for his entrance music
  • Fan in the crowd is given a random belt the UFC had just lying around after he beats the shit out of some other guy
  • Nate Diaz engages in muay Thai for a record eight seconds before just falling on the guy and punching the shit out of him as per usual
  • Knockout of the Night winner Shane Carwin stares at the $65,000 check in his hands, then at the prone, broken body of Frank Mir, and wonders if its all worth it
  • Dan Hardy summons the indefatigable power of his Britishness to lose the main event in a unanimous decision
  • Matthew Riddle signs a girl's chest using a fragment of his shattered tibia as a quill
  • In a new UFC record, only five eyeballs go unclaimed
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