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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Highlights Of UFC 111

  • After winning by disqualification thanks to Greg Soto's illegal upkick, Matt Riddle celebrates by rolling his eyes back into his head and yammering gibberish
  • Mark Bocek is disqualified for a time delay when he is unable to choose between Disturbed and Staind for his entrance music
  • Fan in the crowd is given a random belt the UFC had just lying around after he beats the shit out of some other guy
  • Nate Diaz engages in muay Thai for a record eight seconds before just falling on the guy and punching the shit out of him as per usual
  • Knockout of the Night winner Shane Carwin stares at the $65,000 check in his hands, then at the prone, broken body of Frank Mir, and wonders if its all worth it
  • Dan Hardy summons the indefatigable power of his Britishness to lose the main event in a unanimous decision
  • Matthew Riddle signs a girl's chest using a fragment of his shattered tibia as a quill
  • In a new UFC record, only five eyeballs go unclaimed

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