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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Highly Anticipated Launches At SXSW Interactive

Every year at South by Southwest, companies roll out their latest interactive media. Here's what to look for this year:

  • YouTube: All-new site design features a small clock in the upper left corner that keeps track of the cumulative amount of your life you've wasted
  • Wikimedia: New WikiBible will allow anyone to add to, or edit, this open-source holy book
  • The Social Network: Launch of actor Jesse Eisenberg's controversial SocialNetwork social networking site
  • Video Professor: New CD-ROM to help you get started on Chatroulette
  • eHarmony: In addition to showing people their most compatible matches, the online dating site will now display each member's last-resort match
  • Apple: New version of iTunes will take the songs you haven't listened to in a while and sell them to someone else
  • MySpace: Six awesome new background layouts!
  • Yakagami: Someone's trying to make that virtual pet thing happen again
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