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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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History Of The Catholic Church’s Views On Homosexuality

Marking what could be a significant change in the Catholic Church’s official stance on homosexuality, Pope Francis said Sunday, “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” Here are some notable ways the Church’s views on homosexuality have evolved over the years:

  • Creation: God issues strict command for all of mankind to have irrational, destructive hatred for one another
  • 33-2013: A few gay popes, presumably
  • 761: The Catholic Church declares the one-time ‘Year of You,’ in which it encourages the world’s Catholics to just smile, be themselves, and overall have a blast, regardless of whom they love
  • 1349: Mass population loss due to the Black Death forces the Church to temporarily allow gay priests, leper priests, boy priests, and horse priests
  • 1825: Group of men who abstain from female contact in favor of spending their entire lives in the intimate company of other men once again insist that other people not do that
  • 1870: Vatican affirms the doctrine of papal infallibility, which states that every pope is free to basically say or do whatever they want based on the current political climate
  • 1924: Pope Pius XI famously declares that he would rather see the Church gradually lose influence and become virtually irrelevant in the lives of the world’s Catholics than have it accept homosexuality
  • 1986: Pope John Paul II says he thinks homosexuality is a mortal sin; he’ll be a saint soon
  • 2005: Archbishop Ennio Antonelli sees Pope Benedict XVI making out with some guy at a party and decides to just keep it to himself
  • 2248: The largely marginalized and unpopular Catholic Church accepts that homosexuality is not a sin and gay and straight people alike are all God’s creations

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