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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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History Of The Catholic Church’s Views On Homosexuality

Marking what could be a significant change in the Catholic Church’s official stance on homosexuality, Pope Francis said Sunday, “If someone is gay and he searches for the Lord and has good will, who am I to judge?” Here are some notable ways the Church’s views on homosexuality have evolved over the years:

  • Creation: God issues strict command for all of mankind to have irrational, destructive hatred for one another
  • 33-2013: A few gay popes, presumably
  • 761: The Catholic Church declares the one-time ‘Year of You,’ in which it encourages the world’s Catholics to just smile, be themselves, and overall have a blast, regardless of whom they love
  • 1349: Mass population loss due to the Black Death forces the Church to temporarily allow gay priests, leper priests, boy priests, and horse priests
  • 1825: Group of men who abstain from female contact in favor of spending their entire lives in the intimate company of other men once again insist that other people not do that
  • 1870: Vatican affirms the doctrine of papal infallibility, which states that every pope is free to basically say or do whatever they want based on the current political climate
  • 1924: Pope Pius XI famously declares that he would rather see the Church gradually lose influence and become virtually irrelevant in the lives of the world’s Catholics than have it accept homosexuality
  • 1986: Pope John Paul II says he thinks homosexuality is a mortal sin; he’ll be a saint soon
  • 2005: Archbishop Ennio Antonelli sees Pope Benedict XVI making out with some guy at a party and decides to just keep it to himself
  • 2248: The largely marginalized and unpopular Catholic Church accepts that homosexuality is not a sin and gay and straight people alike are all God’s creations

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