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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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History Of The Walt Disney Company

This month marks the 90th anniversary of The Walt Disney Company. Here are some of the most notable moments in the media conglomerate’s history:

  • 1928: Steamboat Willie marks the first appearance of Disney’s iconic character Willie the Steamboat Operator
  • 1931: Disney chemists synthesize and patent childlike wonder
  • 1936: Company records first successful mergers, purchasing rivals Sunbonnet Animation Studio and Reichsministerium für Volksaufklärung und Propaganda
  • 1940: Animators wisely remove realistic corkscrew penis from Donald Duck
  • 1953: Under pressure from the Anti-Defamation League, Disney changes its character’s name from Scrooge Duckstein to Scrooge McDuck
  • 1966: Walt Disney dies after crashing his Ferrari
  • 1997: Boogie Nights earns Disney over $26 million at the box office
  • 2005: Walt Disney World celebrates its first day without a visitor death
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