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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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History Of The Westboro Baptist Church

According to one of his estranged sons, Fred Phelps, the founder and longtime leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, is in gravely ill health. Here is a look back at some of the milestone moments in his controversial church’s history:

  • 1929-2014: Fred Waldron Phelps is born, beginning a period of nearly 85 years during which not a single moment of doubt passes through his mind
  • 1951: Margie Simms, the future Mrs. Phelps, meets the love of her life
  • 1955-2014: Nobody cracks open a Bible
  • 1968: Jesus Christ personally visits Fred Phelps in one of his dreams and asks what the fuck is wrong with him
  • 1972-1979: The disco years
  • 1991: Westboro Baptist Church blasted after adopting slogan expressing what dozens of churches actually believe
  • 1994: Topeka residents admit they must hand it to Westboro Baptist Church for ending all that gay cruising in Gage Park
  • 1999: In return for years of loyal patronage, church receives 200 free “God hates fags” posters from local Kinko’s
  • 2010: An increasingly paranoid Fred Phelps becomes convinced God may be a fag
  • 2013: Phelps excommunicated after advocating for more compassionate hatred
  • 1955-2014: Gets a whole lot of undeserved attention

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