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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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History Of The Westboro Baptist Church

According to one of his estranged sons, Fred Phelps, the founder and longtime leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, is in gravely ill health. Here is a look back at some of the milestone moments in his controversial church’s history:

  • 1929-2014: Fred Waldron Phelps is born, beginning a period of nearly 85 years during which not a single moment of doubt passes through his mind
  • 1951: Margie Simms, the future Mrs. Phelps, meets the love of her life
  • 1955-2014: Nobody cracks open a Bible
  • 1968: Jesus Christ personally visits Fred Phelps in one of his dreams and asks what the fuck is wrong with him
  • 1972-1979: The disco years
  • 1991: Westboro Baptist Church blasted after adopting slogan expressing what dozens of churches actually believe
  • 1994: Topeka residents admit they must hand it to Westboro Baptist Church for ending all that gay cruising in Gage Park
  • 1999: In return for years of loyal patronage, church receives 200 free “God hates fags” posters from local Kinko’s
  • 2010: An increasingly paranoid Fred Phelps becomes convinced God may be a fag
  • 2013: Phelps excommunicated after advocating for more compassionate hatred
  • 1955-2014: Gets a whole lot of undeserved attention
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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

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