History Of The Westboro Baptist Church

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Vol 50 Issue 11

Cheddar Cheese Prices Skyrocket Due To Chinese Demand

The Dairy Export Council reported this week that the cost of cheddar cheese climbed 18 percent this year to its highest price ever because domestic manufacturers have been unable to meet the demand for cheese by Chinese purchasers.

Lowly Mortal Opens Portal To Hell

John Kerry poses as a masseuse to get a few minutes with Putin, parents reminisce to their children about the dating algorithm that brought them together, and a lowly mortal opens a portal to hell.

Surge Answered With Rally

SAN DIEGO—With a succession of quick baskets during the NCAA Tournament Friday, sources confirmed that a surge was quickly answered by a rally.

Sleep Loss Can Cause Brain Damage

A study published this week in the journal Neuroscience found that inconsistent sleep patterns, including not sleeping enough and sleeping erratic hours, can result in an irreversible loss of brain neurons.
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History Of The Westboro Baptist Church

According to one of his estranged sons, Fred Phelps, the founder and longtime leader of the Westboro Baptist Church, is in gravely ill health. Here is a look back at some of the milestone moments in his controversial church’s history:

  • 1929-2014: Fred Waldron Phelps is born, beginning a period of nearly 85 years during which not a single moment of doubt passes through his mind
  • 1951: Margie Simms, the future Mrs. Phelps, meets the love of her life
  • 1955-2014: Nobody cracks open a Bible
  • 1968: Jesus Christ personally visits Fred Phelps in one of his dreams and asks what the fuck is wrong with him
  • 1972-1979: The disco years
  • 1991: Westboro Baptist Church blasted after adopting slogan expressing what dozens of churches actually believe
  • 1994: Topeka residents admit they must hand it to Westboro Baptist Church for ending all that gay cruising in Gage Park
  • 1999: In return for years of loyal patronage, church receives 200 free “God hates fags” posters from local Kinko’s
  • 2010: An increasingly paranoid Fred Phelps becomes convinced God may be a fag
  • 2013: Phelps excommunicated after advocating for more compassionate hatred
  • 1955-2014: Gets a whole lot of undeserved attention
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