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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Holiday Blockbuster Season Approaches

This month, Hollywood begins launching its holiday blockbusters. Here are some of the movies on the release schedule:

Mamma Mia: A grim retelling of the Mamma Mia! story by Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan

Ho, Ho, Who?: A Santa Claus everyone assumed to be Charley from down the block turns out to be someone else. One hour and 53 minutes are spent investigating

The Wrestler: Acclaimed director Darren Aronofsky takes viewers on a harrowing journey deep into the face of Mickey Rourke

B.: A comedic biographical film about President Rutherford B. Hayes

Gazebo: After a wild party, high-school-age brothers C.J. (Michael Cera) and Aaron (Chace Crawford) must rebuild their parents' gazebo before they return

The Fact Checker: A really serious movie about journalism in which Matt Damon wears glasses

Schindler's List: Not entirely convinced that he nailed it the first time, Oscar-winning director Steven Spielberg takes another crack at his 1993 Holocaust drama. Brad Garrett stars

Perseverance: A hard-nosed but caring coach organizes a group of ragtag black youths—one of whom is played by a hip-hop artist—into some sort of sports team. Things go badly, then they get better, then there's some racism, then they win state

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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