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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Home Sales Dropping

For the third straight month, sales on preexisting homes dropped, leading realtors to call it a "buyer's market." Here are some strategies sellers are using to entice buyers:

  • Dropping price by 50 bucks
  • Carrying around wad of money; acting like owning this house got them that money
  • Pointing out dishwasher several times
  • Explaining to potential buyers how fulfilling it is to make mortgage payment on time
  • Telling long, touching story about how grandmother needs $312,500 for kidney operation
  • Letting third blouse button go
  • Drowning out sound of noisy furnace with soulful vocals of Michael McDonald
  • Reassuring buyers that people purchase things they can't afford all the time

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