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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

20 Years Of Harry Potter

J.K. Rowling published ‘Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone’ on June 26th, 1997, and it instantly became a cultural touchstone. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the 20-year history of the Harry Potter franchise.

Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.
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Home Sales Dropping

For the third straight month, sales on preexisting homes dropped, leading realtors to call it a "buyer's market." Here are some strategies sellers are using to entice buyers:

  • Dropping price by 50 bucks
  • Carrying around wad of money; acting like owning this house got them that money
  • Pointing out dishwasher several times
  • Explaining to potential buyers how fulfilling it is to make mortgage payment on time
  • Telling long, touching story about how grandmother needs $312,500 for kidney operation
  • Letting third blouse button go
  • Drowning out sound of noisy furnace with soulful vocals of Michael McDonald
  • Reassuring buyers that people purchase things they can't afford all the time

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