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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

How Gerrymandering Works

The Supreme Court is considering a case regarding the partisan gerrymandering of districts in Wisconsin, which could change the way maps are drawn across the country. Here is a step-by-step guide to how Gerrymandering works.
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Home Sales Dropping

For the third straight month, sales on preexisting homes dropped, leading realtors to call it a "buyer's market." Here are some strategies sellers are using to entice buyers:

  • Dropping price by 50 bucks
  • Carrying around wad of money; acting like owning this house got them that money
  • Pointing out dishwasher several times
  • Explaining to potential buyers how fulfilling it is to make mortgage payment on time
  • Telling long, touching story about how grandmother needs $312,500 for kidney operation
  • Letting third blouse button go
  • Drowning out sound of noisy furnace with soulful vocals of Michael McDonald
  • Reassuring buyers that people purchase things they can't afford all the time

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