After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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How To Adopt A Child

Adoption is a beautiful way to provide a loving home for a child, though it is a logistically complex process that might take months or even years to complete. Here are the steps involved in adopting a child:

  • Step 1: Prospective parents try and fail to produce children the way God intended.
  • Step 2: Find an agency you trust. Make sure it is licensed, accredited, and won’t try to upsell you on quadruplets.
  • Step 3: Specify what type of adoption you’re looking for, such as star quarterback or violin prodigy.
  • Step 4: Grasp the sides with open palms and apply pressure. The ideal child should be firm, but not bumpy.
  • Step 5: After settling on a child, a DNA test is ordered to confirm that candidates are not already the biological parents.
  • Step 6: Parents arrange a time to be home to sign for the delivery of the baby.
  • Step 7: Show your friends with rescue dogs who really cares.
  • Step 8: Decide if it’s important for your family to be open about your child’s adoption, or if you’re holding onto that nugget for when they really piss you off as a teenager.

After Birth

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