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Vol 39 Issue 05

Statistically Eliminated - Ep. 6

After being statistically eliminated from the playoffs, Brad is ready to give up fantasy football forever until Matt Forte reminds him that it's not too late to ruin the fantasy season for all the other owners.

Waiver Wire - Ep. 5

Brad has to make a tough decision between starting Larry Fitzgerald and Alfred Morris. Jack’s Team drops Andrew Luck to the waiver wire.

Overconfidence - Ep. 4

Going up against the weakest team in the league, Brad tells Matt Forte, Larry Fitzgerald, and Alfred Morris not to work too hard.

High-School Teacher Constantly Using Janitor As Example

GRAND FORKS, ND—Arnold Danielson, a chemistry teacher at Warren G. Harding High School, has for the past eight years used custodian Howard Sievert as a living warning to underachieving or misbehaving students. "When my grades started to slip, Mr. Danielson took me aside and said, 'Well, you can buckle down and study harder... or you can end up like old Howie,'" sophomore Dave Netzel said. "Boy, I got the hint big-time." Netzel said Danielson is also fond of asking tardy students to name their favorite car and then informing them that such a car is unaffordable on a janitor's salary.

Laffy Taffy Writer Disdains Bazooka

ITASCA, IL—Bruce Palmer, a writer and editor for Nestle's "Laffy Taffy" line of joke-bearing fruit-flavored chews, holds Topps Bazooka gum and its line of complimentary comic art in sneering contempt, he revealed Monday. "Don't get me wrong: In the Golden Age of the 1970s and 1980s, Bazooka Joe was amazing—a big influence on me," the 43-year-old Palmer said. "But when Topps went all corporate, and the P.C. suits made them dump [sombrero-clad mischief-maker] Pesty, it all went downhill." Palmer went on to dismiss Bazooka as "a stain on the proud literary genre of candy-wrapper humor."

Laid-Off Zoologist Goes On Tranquilizing Rampage

SAN DIEGO—Twelve San Diego Zoo visitors and two employees were brutally sedated Monday, when laid-off zoologist Dr. Brian Vermeer, 41, returned to his former place of work armed with a tranquilizer gun and began firing into a crowd. "It was kind of horrible," said Maria Christopher, 44, who witnessed the tranquilizing spree. "People were gently falling asleep over the course of 20 to 30 seconds everywhere." The spree ended when Vermeer turned his gun on himself, knocking himself out for half an hour.

U.S. Council Of Coolness Releases Formal Statement On Prince

WASHINGTON, DC—On Monday, the U.S. Council of Coolness released its long-awaited ruling on Prince, declaring the recording artist "provisionally cool" by a 13-11 margin. "This was a more difficult decision than it should have been," the 240-page report read. "In the end, however, albums like 1999 and Sign O' The Times are sufficiently brilliant to offset such padded late-period dorkfests as Rave Un2 The Joy Fantastic and The Rainbow Children." The Council of Coolness warned that the decision could be reversed if Prince records one more rap in which he declares himself "super-fonky" or "2 jammin' 4 U."

Saddam Enrages Bush With Full Compliance

WASHINGTON, DC—President Bush expressed frustration and anger Monday over a U.N. report stating that Iraqi president Saddam Hussein is now fully complying with weapons inspections. "Enough is enough," a determined Bush told reporters. "We are not fooled by Saddam's devious attempts to sway world opinion by doing everything the U.N. asked him to do. We will not be intimidated into backing down and, if we have any say in the matter, neither will Saddam." Bush added that any further Iraqi attempt to meet the demands of the U.N. or U.S. will be regarded as "an act of war."

You Will Know Love

Erase all doubt from your mind, for tonight, you will know love. Let me tell you how I am going to lay it down.
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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

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