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Vol 40 Issue 16

Weird Al Honors Parents' Memory With 'Tears In Heaven' Parody

FALLBROOK, CA—Zany, mourning entertainer "Weird Al" Yankovic has parodied Eric Clapton's eulogy song "Tears In Heaven" in loving tribute to his parents, who recently died of carbon-monoxide poisoning in their San Diego home, a spokesman for Yankovic said Monday. "Al's hurting deeply right now, and this is his way of honoring Nick and Mary," Karl Tuft said of the song in which a subdued Yankovic sings, "First you lit some flames / Then the smoke stopped your breathin' / Carbon mono's th'way you went... / Up to heaven" over a somber, minor-key accordion melody. Tuft added that the best way for Yankovic to give voice to his pain and loss was by altering the voice of Clapton's pain and loss.

Longtime Heckler Just Kind Of Fell Into Heckling

LOS ANGELES—Comedy-club regular Ray Thurmond, 53, has heckled Southern California's comedians for the past 21 years, but he told reporters Monday that he never planned to become a heckler. "I was watching some awful act at the Comedy Store, and the guy was totally bombing," Thurmond said. "So I yelled, 'God, you suck.' Well, the audience really cracked up, so I yelled at him to get off the stage. One thing led to another, and here I am." Thurmond also said that, while he did not coin the phrase, he may have been responsible for introducing the concept of not quitting your day job to the local scene.

Historian Has Big News For Grover Cleveland Fans

CALDWELL, NJ—Historian and author Louis Putnam announced Monday that his new book about Grover Cleveland will shock fans of the 22nd and 24th U.S. president. "You're gonna see the only president to serve two non-consecutive terms as you've never seen him before," Putnam said. "Forget Tammany Hall, screw the paternity scandal, and to hell with a so-called 'secret' battle with jaw cancer. When my book comes out, you're gonna fucking flip." Putnam's book, Grover! Grover! Grover!, will hit bookstore shelves May 13.

Libertarian Reluctantly Calls Fire Department

CHEYENNE, WY—After attempting to contain a living-room blaze started by a cigarette, card-carrying Libertarian Trent Jacobs reluctantly called the Cheyenne Fire Department Monday. "Although the community would do better to rely on an efficient, free-market fire-fighting service, the fact is that expensive, unnecessary public fire departments do exist," Jacobs said. "Also, my house was burning down." Jacobs did not offer to pay firefighters for their service.

I Haven't Achieved Greatness So Much As I Was Born Into It

Earlier today, on the way back from a shareholders meeting in Melbourne, the pilot of my Bombardier Challenger 604 twinprop private jet asked how I had managed to rise to a position of such great power and prestige at so young an age. After several modest demurrals, I settled back in my seat and began to explain my secret: I haven't so much "earned" greatness as I was "born into it."
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