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Tips

Tips For Back-To-School Shopping

As kids prepare to go back to school, parents are tasked with providing all the supplies and clothes they’ll need for the year. Here are The Onion’s tips for tackling back-to-school shopping.

Choosing The Right Dog For You

Once you decide to get a dog, there’s a wide range of adoptable pets to choose from, whether it’s a mutt or purebred. The Onion offers some helpful tips for choosing the dog that’s right for you.

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations:

  • Step 1: Schedule a consultation with the mortician to choose between an all-natural look or a subtle, smoky eye.
  • Step 2: A funeral director provides insight on the relative benefits of an open, closed, or translucent-casket service.
  • Step 3: Definitely score a few of those car flags that let you run red lights.
  • Step 4: Brainstorm a fun, tasteful funeral hashtag.
  • Step 5: Create a photo collage to display at the ceremony. If there aren’t enough recent pictures, simply snap a few new ones.
  • Step 6: Set up a guest book at the wake so interested grievers can sign up for your weekly newsletter.
  • Step 7: Hit ’em hard with John 14:27, keep ’em grieving with some Isaiah 41:10 and Matthew 5:4, and then—BAM!—drop Psalm 23 out of nowhere.
  • Step 8: Prepare the optimal eulogy by inserting exactly three lighthearted jokes, four touching memories, two important lessons learned, and one confident guess as to how the deceased would want everyone to feel today.
  • Step 9: Use the influx of sympathy casseroles from friends and neighbors to construct a touching memorial obelisk.


More from this section

Choosing The Right School For Your Child

With a new school year beginning soon, parents are making decisions about which type of school best fits their child’s needs. The Onion breaks down what each has to offer.

The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

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