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How To Arrange A Funeral

Losing a loved one can send mourners into a haze of emotion, and funeral planning can seem like a daunting task amidst one’s grief. Here is The Onion’s step-by-step guide to making funerary preparations:

  • Step 1: Schedule a consultation with the mortician to choose between an all-natural look or a subtle, smoky eye.
  • Step 2: A funeral director provides insight on the relative benefits of an open, closed, or translucent-casket service.
  • Step 3: Definitely score a few of those car flags that let you run red lights.
  • Step 4: Brainstorm a fun, tasteful funeral hashtag.
  • Step 5: Create a photo collage to display at the ceremony. If there aren’t enough recent pictures, simply snap a few new ones.
  • Step 6: Set up a guest book at the wake so interested grievers can sign up for your weekly newsletter.
  • Step 7: Hit ’em hard with John 14:27, keep ’em grieving with some Isaiah 41:10 and Matthew 5:4, and then—BAM!—drop Psalm 23 out of nowhere.
  • Step 8: Prepare the optimal eulogy by inserting exactly three lighthearted jokes, four touching memories, two important lessons learned, and one confident guess as to how the deceased would want everyone to feel today.
  • Step 9: Use the influx of sympathy casseroles from friends and neighbors to construct a touching memorial obelisk.


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