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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing

As performance-enhancing drugs become increasingly sophisticated, so do the methods for detecting their use. Onion Sports explains some of the techniques top athletes employ to beat steroid tests:

Using masking tape and magic marker to change label on bottle of drugs from "steroids" to "headache medicine"

Becoming a professional wrestler, as no one seems to care what drugs they use

Boasting that their elevated testosterone levels are due to having stupendously large testicles; offering to show everyone if they don't believe it; letting embarrassment do the rest

Drinking 25 gallons of water the day before urine test, knowing full well that no lab could possibly test that much urine

Claiming to be stuck in the suit of armor

Knocking out test administrator; stealing their blood

Flexing enormous biceps, causing tester's syringe to take in blood so fast it explodes

Avoiding drug tests by caller testers "narcs"; testers then back off, as no one likes being called a "narc"

Using performance-enhancing drugs to become huge stars in their sports in the sure knowledge that the powers that be would never allow them to test positive for steroids

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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