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Man Born With Face You Just Want To Punch

In case you missed last night's premiere of the second season of "Onion News Network", watch Jean Anne Whorton's touching portrait of a man who was born with a god-awful, hateful face.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Benny The Bull Busted For Possession Of Unlicensed T-Shirt Gun

CHICAGO—Noting that the suspect had been taken into custody after officers managed to tackle and wrestle the individual to the ground of the United Center concourse, police confirmed Monday that Chicago Bulls mascot Benny the Bull was arrested for possession of an unlicensed T-shirt gun.
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How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing

As performance-enhancing drugs become increasingly sophisticated, so do the methods for detecting their use. Onion Sports explains some of the techniques top athletes employ to beat steroid tests:

Using masking tape and magic marker to change label on bottle of drugs from "steroids" to "headache medicine"

Becoming a professional wrestler, as no one seems to care what drugs they use

Boasting that their elevated testosterone levels are due to having stupendously large testicles; offering to show everyone if they don't believe it; letting embarrassment do the rest

Drinking 25 gallons of water the day before urine test, knowing full well that no lab could possibly test that much urine

Claiming to be stuck in the suit of armor

Knocking out test administrator; stealing their blood

Flexing enormous biceps, causing tester's syringe to take in blood so fast it explodes

Avoiding drug tests by caller testers "narcs"; testers then back off, as no one likes being called a "narc"

Using performance-enhancing drugs to become huge stars in their sports in the sure knowledge that the powers that be would never allow them to test positive for steroids

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