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How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing

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Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

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WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
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How Athletes Beat Steroid Testing

As performance-enhancing drugs become increasingly sophisticated, so do the methods for detecting their use. Onion Sports explains some of the techniques top athletes employ to beat steroid tests:

Using masking tape and magic marker to change label on bottle of drugs from "steroids" to "headache medicine"

Becoming a professional wrestler, as no one seems to care what drugs they use

Boasting that their elevated testosterone levels are due to having stupendously large testicles; offering to show everyone if they don't believe it; letting embarrassment do the rest

Drinking 25 gallons of water the day before urine test, knowing full well that no lab could possibly test that much urine

Claiming to be stuck in the suit of armor

Knocking out test administrator; stealing their blood

Flexing enormous biceps, causing tester's syringe to take in blood so fast it explodes

Avoiding drug tests by caller testers "narcs"; testers then back off, as no one likes being called a "narc"

Using performance-enhancing drugs to become huge stars in their sports in the sure knowledge that the powers that be would never allow them to test positive for steroids

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