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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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How Big Ben Spent His Suspension

Ben Roethlisberger is returning to football after an NFL-imposed four-game ban. Here's how he spent his time off:

  • Court-ordered "wistful staring" three times a day
  • Visited the Sunrise Retirement Center, where he put in some charity work and occasionally fingered one of the nurses
  • Learned to throw left-handed
  • Worked with NFL-appointed sensitivity coach Judith Barnes; Roethlisberger practiced, for only an hour at first, and eventually for four hours, not raping her
  • Finally had time to read À la recherche du temps perdu
  • Every Friday, headed down to Dime Bar, the only place in town where he can expose himself and get kicked out in peace
  • Stopped by the farmers market every morning to laugh at the gourds
  • Pretty much slept, really

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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