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How Chris Christie Can Survive Political Scandal

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What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine
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How Chris Christie Can Survive Political Scandal

Just weeks after the disclosure that his top staffers closed lanes on the George Washington Bridge to punish the mayor of Fort Lee, NJ, Governor Chris Christie is now dealing with allegations that he threatened to deny Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken, NJ unless the city’s mayor agreed to go along with a development project. Here is how the embattled politician can weather these crises and reemerge as a viable Republican presidential candidate in 2016:

  • Compensate for all of the traffic he blocked by getting rid of stop signs for a while
  • Try to adhere to the values he held before becoming a politician, back when he was just an innocent young lobbyist for major energy companies and financial firms
  • Make sure he includes at least a dozen children behind him in every speech given over the next few weeks
  • Buy his second family a new house to keep them quiet and happy
  • Help bolster his everyman appearance by funneling millions of dollars through Super PACs to produce nationwide ad campaigns that make him look better
  • Tuck the head into the body and shield the internal organs by curling into tight ball
  • Trust that fellow elected officials understand his lack of culpability in the matter and that no self-respecting presidential candidate would dare mention the scandal in the 2016 election
  • Receive eternal political redemption by slaughtering the first born on the third full moon of the year deep in the New Jersey Pine Barrens
  • Accidentally spill a big cup of coffee on every copy of every newspaper with stories about his scandal
  • Hold large, elaborate public event in which Christie lies hidden under a pile of ashes and then jumps out with large wings attached while shouting, “Out of the ashes rises the Phoenix!”
  • Stick to his guns and call out the mayor of Fort Lee for the rat bastard he is

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