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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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How Chris Christie Can Survive Political Scandal

Just weeks after the disclosure that his top staffers closed lanes on the George Washington Bridge to punish the mayor of Fort Lee, NJ, Governor Chris Christie is now dealing with allegations that he threatened to deny Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken, NJ unless the city’s mayor agreed to go along with a development project. Here is how the embattled politician can weather these crises and reemerge as a viable Republican presidential candidate in 2016:

  • Compensate for all of the traffic he blocked by getting rid of stop signs for a while
  • Try to adhere to the values he held before becoming a politician, back when he was just an innocent young lobbyist for major energy companies and financial firms
  • Make sure he includes at least a dozen children behind him in every speech given over the next few weeks
  • Buy his second family a new house to keep them quiet and happy
  • Help bolster his everyman appearance by funneling millions of dollars through Super PACs to produce nationwide ad campaigns that make him look better
  • Tuck the head into the body and shield the internal organs by curling into tight ball
  • Trust that fellow elected officials understand his lack of culpability in the matter and that no self-respecting presidential candidate would dare mention the scandal in the 2016 election
  • Receive eternal political redemption by slaughtering the first born on the third full moon of the year deep in the New Jersey Pine Barrens
  • Accidentally spill a big cup of coffee on every copy of every newspaper with stories about his scandal
  • Hold large, elaborate public event in which Christie lies hidden under a pile of ashes and then jumps out with large wings attached while shouting, “Out of the ashes rises the Phoenix!”
  • Stick to his guns and call out the mayor of Fort Lee for the rat bastard he is

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