How Chris Christie Can Survive Political Scandal

Top Headlines


Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

How Chris Christie Can Survive Political Scandal

Just weeks after the disclosure that his top staffers closed lanes on the George Washington Bridge to punish the mayor of Fort Lee, NJ, Governor Chris Christie is now dealing with allegations that he threatened to deny Hurricane Sandy aid to Hoboken, NJ unless the city’s mayor agreed to go along with a development project. Here is how the embattled politician can weather these crises and reemerge as a viable Republican presidential candidate in 2016:

  • Compensate for all of the traffic he blocked by getting rid of stop signs for a while
  • Try to adhere to the values he held before becoming a politician, back when he was just an innocent young lobbyist for major energy companies and financial firms
  • Make sure he includes at least a dozen children behind him in every speech given over the next few weeks
  • Buy his second family a new house to keep them quiet and happy
  • Help bolster his everyman appearance by funneling millions of dollars through Super PACs to produce nationwide ad campaigns that make him look better
  • Tuck the head into the body and shield the internal organs by curling into tight ball
  • Trust that fellow elected officials understand his lack of culpability in the matter and that no self-respecting presidential candidate would dare mention the scandal in the 2016 election
  • Receive eternal political redemption by slaughtering the first born on the third full moon of the year deep in the New Jersey Pine Barrens
  • Accidentally spill a big cup of coffee on every copy of every newspaper with stories about his scandal
  • Hold large, elaborate public event in which Christie lies hidden under a pile of ashes and then jumps out with large wings attached while shouting, “Out of the ashes rises the Phoenix!”
  • Stick to his guns and call out the mayor of Fort Lee for the rat bastard he is


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close