How Climate Change Will Affect You

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Vol 49 Issue 46

Jack Palance Still Dead At 87

An alarming MRI shows that Peyton Manning has been dead for 6 months, the Mariana Trench is once again named the worst place to raise children, and a man smoking an e-cigarette must be a futuristic bounty hunter.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.
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How Climate Change Will Affect You

According to a United Nations climate report released last week, the world must cut its carbon emissions drastically by 2020 or face an increase in global temperature of 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit or more by the end of the century. Here’s how global warming will affect daily life if major action is not taken:

  • Ignoring dire UN reports on climate change will take twice as much effort
  • Constant nightly excitement of hearing about which species went extinct that day
  • Increased use of broken air conditioners as major plot devices in movies
  • Canteen contents replaced with sand
  • Casual summer flings may turn into serious long-term relationships
  • Most of day spent daydreaming about vacation to beautiful, temperate Winnipeg
  • There will only be one or two more James Bonds, tops
  • Perpetual enjoyable sense of smug “told-you-so” satisfaction over former climate change skeptics as you each claw at each other over precious matchbooks and the discarded plastic items now used as currency
  • Not at all if you time your death just right
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