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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.

A Timeline Of Valentine’s Day History

Every February, people across the world engage in romantic traditions with their loved ones in celebration of Valentine’s Day. The Onion provides a timeline of the holiday’s inception and evolution:
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How Climate Change Will Affect You

According to a United Nations climate report released last week, the world must cut its carbon emissions drastically by 2020 or face an increase in global temperature of 3.6 degrees Fahrenheit or more by the end of the century. Here’s how global warming will affect daily life if major action is not taken:

  • Ignoring dire UN reports on climate change will take twice as much effort
  • Constant nightly excitement of hearing about which species went extinct that day
  • Increased use of broken air conditioners as major plot devices in movies
  • Canteen contents replaced with sand
  • Casual summer flings may turn into serious long-term relationships
  • Most of day spent daydreaming about vacation to beautiful, temperate Winnipeg
  • There will only be one or two more James Bonds, tops
  • Perpetual enjoyable sense of smug “told-you-so” satisfaction over former climate change skeptics as you each claw at each other over precious matchbooks and the discarded plastic items now used as currency
  • Not at all if you time your death just right
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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

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