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How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

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Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

McDonald’s Announces New Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac

OAK BROOK, IL—Calling the new menu item a cool, refreshing way for consumers to finish their meals, McDonald’s officials introduced the Spearmint After-Dinner Big Mac during a press event Tuesday at the company’s corporate headquarters.

NicoDerm Introduces New Nicotine Eye Patch

PHILADELPHIA—Praising the product as an effective and convenient means of helping individuals quit smoking, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline announced Wednesday the release of its new NicoDerm eye patch.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Coca-Cola Marketing Strategist Named New United States PR Laureate

WASHINGTON—In a ceremony at the White House this morning in which his work was praised for its unique contributions to the art of corporate communications, Coca-Cola marketing strategist Lawrence Shaffer was officially appointed as the new PR laureate of the United States, sources confirmed.
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How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

Despite spending millions to sponsor the FIFA World Cup and its recent “Share A Coke” campaign, beverage maker Coca-Cola has reported weak sales during the first half of the year. Here are some options the multi-billion-dollar company is considering to improve sales and win back its customers:

  • Plastic and aluminum containers to be replaced by more environmentally friendly burlap cans
  • Introducing no-fizz version to target flat-cola drinkers
  • Expanding Coca-Cola distribution beyond four U.S. states where it is currently sold
  • Including free can of Coke inside every two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola
  • Reducing chunky Cola pulp by 50 percent
  • Growing sales of product by no longer telling consumers to share a Coke, but instead, to buy one of their own
  • Rebranding product as something you can pour on your body when you don’t feel sticky enough
  • Removing note on the side of the can that says “Shake Well”
  • Venturing beyond beverage market with new solid cola that’s eaten with a knife and fork
  • Being fucking happy that billions of dollars in profits are still being made

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