How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

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Vol 50 Issue 30

Sex Toy Discreetly Shipped In Plain Dildo-Shaped Box

Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box.

Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game

Police and medical workers across the country are reporting more incidents of teenagers hurting themselves playing the “Fire Challenge” game shown in numerous YouTube videos, which involves pouring a small amount of flammable liquid on their b...
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Special Coverage



  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

Despite spending millions to sponsor the FIFA World Cup and its recent “Share A Coke” campaign, beverage maker Coca-Cola has reported weak sales during the first half of the year. Here are some options the multi-billion-dollar company is considering to improve sales and win back its customers:

  • Plastic and aluminum containers to be replaced by more environmentally friendly burlap cans
  • Introducing no-fizz version to target flat-cola drinkers
  • Expanding Coca-Cola distribution beyond four U.S. states where it is currently sold
  • Including free can of Coke inside every two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola
  • Reducing chunky Cola pulp by 50 percent
  • Growing sales of product by no longer telling consumers to share a Coke, but instead, to buy one of their own
  • Rebranding product as something you can pour on your body when you don’t feel sticky enough
  • Removing note on the side of the can that says “Shake Well”
  • Venturing beyond beverage market with new solid cola that’s eaten with a knife and fork
  • Being fucking happy that billions of dollars in profits are still being made
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