How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 30

Sex Toy Discreetly Shipped In Plain Dildo-Shaped Box

Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box.

Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game

Police and medical workers across the country are reporting more incidents of teenagers hurting themselves playing the “Fire Challenge” game shown in numerous YouTube videos, which involves pouring a small amount of flammable liquid on their b...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Internet

Entertainment

How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

Despite spending millions to sponsor the FIFA World Cup and its recent “Share A Coke” campaign, beverage maker Coca-Cola has reported weak sales during the first half of the year. Here are some options the multi-billion-dollar company is considering to improve sales and win back its customers:

  • Plastic and aluminum containers to be replaced by more environmentally friendly burlap cans
  • Introducing no-fizz version to target flat-cola drinkers
  • Expanding Coca-Cola distribution beyond four U.S. states where it is currently sold
  • Including free can of Coke inside every two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola
  • Reducing chunky Cola pulp by 50 percent
  • Growing sales of product by no longer telling consumers to share a Coke, but instead, to buy one of their own
  • Rebranding product as something you can pour on your body when you don’t feel sticky enough
  • Removing note on the side of the can that says “Shake Well”
  • Venturing beyond beverage market with new solid cola that’s eaten with a knife and fork
  • Being fucking happy that billions of dollars in profits are still being made
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More