How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

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Vol 50 Issue 30

Sex Toy Discreetly Shipped In Plain Dildo-Shaped Box

Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box.

Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game

Police and medical workers across the country are reporting more incidents of teenagers hurting themselves playing the “Fire Challenge” game shown in numerous YouTube videos, which involves pouring a small amount of flammable liquid on their b...
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  • Sports Drink Company Putting First Advertisement On Moon

    Japanese pharmaceutical company Otsuka has announced plans to put their sports drink Pocari Sweat on the moon in a specially equipped container bearing their logo, which, if successful, would be the first time a commercial product has been flown to the mo...

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Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

How Coca-Cola Can Improve Sales

Despite spending millions to sponsor the FIFA World Cup and its recent “Share A Coke” campaign, beverage maker Coca-Cola has reported weak sales during the first half of the year. Here are some options the multi-billion-dollar company is considering to improve sales and win back its customers:

  • Plastic and aluminum containers to be replaced by more environmentally friendly burlap cans
  • Introducing no-fizz version to target flat-cola drinkers
  • Expanding Coca-Cola distribution beyond four U.S. states where it is currently sold
  • Including free can of Coke inside every two-liter bottle of Coca-Cola
  • Reducing chunky Cola pulp by 50 percent
  • Growing sales of product by no longer telling consumers to share a Coke, but instead, to buy one of their own
  • Rebranding product as something you can pour on your body when you don’t feel sticky enough
  • Removing note on the side of the can that says “Shake Well”
  • Venturing beyond beverage market with new solid cola that’s eaten with a knife and fork
  • Being fucking happy that billions of dollars in profits are still being made
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