How Companies Are Going Green

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Vol 50 Issue 22

Shitty Museum Doesn’t Even Have A Mona Lisa

BOSTON—Sighing in exasperation as he walked out of yet another exhibit, appalled tourist Tom Bellarico confirmed to reporters Monday that the Boston Museum of Fine Arts is so irredeemably shitty that it does not even have a Mona Lisa.

Taco Bell Adds ‘Quesarito’ To Official Menu

After testing out a new menu item called the quesarito in Oklahoma City to much success, Taco Bell has decided to add the new creation, a beef burrito tucked inside a cheese quesadilla, to its official menu.

Mom’s Quirky Friend Turns Out To Be Joakim Noah

CHICAGO—Saying the lively but awkward stranger had long been something of a mystery, local teen Eric Hewer told reporters Thursday that he recently learned his mother’s quirky friend is in fact Chicago Bulls center Joakim Noah.
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Technology Unfortunately Allows Distant Friends To Reconnect

WAYNE, PA—Providing them the tools necessary to bridge a gap that both individuals say they were more than willing to maintain indefinitely, sources confirmed Monday that the advent of modern technology has unfortunately allowed distant friends Mere...

How Companies Are Going Green

As part of an effort to conserve resources and cultivate an eco-conscious image, many companies across the nation are adopting environmentally friendly business practices. Here are some ways that American corporations plan to go green:

  • McDonald’s: Gradually reducing the petroleum content of burger patties by 50 percent
  • Tribune Company: To save trees, Tribune Co. will eliminate newspaper print subscriptions by keeping exact same business model they currently practice
  • General Electric: Recycling bin in office
  • Ford: Slapping the prefix “eco” somewhere on future models
  • Staples: Standard copy paper to now be 2½ by 4 inches instead of wasteful 8½ by 11 inches
  • Fermilab: Installing hand cranks on all particle accelerators
  • Buffalo Wild Wings: In an effort that could save up to 20 gallons of water per person per day, employees banned from washing their hands after using restroom
  • Koch Industries: High-powered, energy-efficient lobbyists to be installed outside company headquarters
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