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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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How Congress Plans To Boost Its Approval Rating

Following the government shutdown and the debt ceiling crisis, polling has showed that a record 85 percent of Americans disapprove of Congress. Here’s how the nation’s lawmakers are attempting to boost their dismal approval ratings:

  • Addressing all constituents as “master”
  • Free autographs for entire month of December
  • Trying even harder to defund Affordable Care Act
  • Touring the country performing live legislation sets based on audience suggestions
  • Each visitor to House or Senate gallery allowed to dump one 32-ounce soda onto congressman of their choice
  • Inviting legendary guitarist G.E. Smith to sit in on congressional sessions
  • Debuting smiling, lovable plush Bill-y the Legislator Alligator mascot who dances around the congressional chambers at all times
  • Passing even just one bill

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