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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate:

  • Bernie Sanders repeatedly reminded not to point scolding finger directly into camera
  • Hillary Clinton and Super PAC director meeting on back-to-back park benches to hammer out last-minute details
  • Advisers submitting Jim Webb to a session of rapid-fire, hard-hitting questions about where he came from and why he’s here
  • Martin O’Malley scrambling to turn Baltimore into peaceful utopia by Tuesday night
  • Sanders carefully preparing to field questions about his 14-year tenure as head of Lehman Brothers
  • Lincoln Chafee continually reminding self he only 0.6 percent away from fourth place
  • Clinton put through a few warmup rounds with over-caffeinated Richard Dreyfuss
  • John Kerry giving Jim Webb some pointers on downplaying an accomplished military career and service in Vietnam
  • Stylists procuring balloon to rub against Sanders’ hair moments before debate begins
  • Clinton preparing to show off fun, spontaneous side by opening with joke she has been rehearsing for seven months

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