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Politics

Bo Obama Addresses Graduates Of Dayton Obedience School

DAYTON, OH—Calling on the 2017 class of canines to make the most of their training as they head out into the world, former first dog Bo Obama delivered a stirring commencement speech Friday to graduates of the Dayton Obedience School.

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Trump: ‘I Am A Very Stupid Human Being’

WASHINGTON—Responding to a damning ‘Washington Post’ report alleging he had shared highly classified information with Russian officials, President Donald Trump addressed the concerns of the press, his fellow government officials, and the public at large Tuesday by announcing that he was an incredibly stupid human being.

Escalating Tensions Lead Trump To Shake Up Inner Circle Of TV Programs

WASHINGTON—Saying the decision arose out of the necessity to weed out certain key members whose values no longer aligned with the president’s, White House spokesman Sean Spicer told reporters Thursday that escalating tensions have led President Trump to shake up his inner circle of television programs.
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How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate:

  • Bernie Sanders repeatedly reminded not to point scolding finger directly into camera
  • Hillary Clinton and Super PAC director meeting on back-to-back park benches to hammer out last-minute details
  • Advisers submitting Jim Webb to a session of rapid-fire, hard-hitting questions about where he came from and why he’s here
  • Martin O’Malley scrambling to turn Baltimore into peaceful utopia by Tuesday night
  • Sanders carefully preparing to field questions about his 14-year tenure as head of Lehman Brothers
  • Lincoln Chafee continually reminding self he only 0.6 percent away from fourth place
  • Clinton put through a few warmup rounds with over-caffeinated Richard Dreyfuss
  • John Kerry giving Jim Webb some pointers on downplaying an accomplished military career and service in Vietnam
  • Stylists procuring balloon to rub against Sanders’ hair moments before debate begins
  • Clinton preparing to show off fun, spontaneous side by opening with joke she has been rehearsing for seven months

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