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How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

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Election 2016

Cannon Overshoots Tim Kaine Across Wells Fargo Center

PHILADELPHIA—Noting that the vice presidential nominee had been launched nearly 100 feet into the air during his entrance into the Democratic National Convention Wednesday night, sources reported that the cannon at the back of the Wells Fargo Center had accidentally overshot Tim Kaine across the arena, sending him crashing to the stage several dozen feet beyond the erected safety net.

Who Is Tim Kaine?

Virginia senator Tim Kaine will be Hillary Clinton’s running mate on the Democratic Party ticket in the 2016 presidential election. Here’s what you need to know about Kaine

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak
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Election 2016

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How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate:

  • Bernie Sanders repeatedly reminded not to point scolding finger directly into camera
  • Hillary Clinton and Super PAC director meeting on back-to-back park benches to hammer out last-minute details
  • Advisers submitting Jim Webb to a session of rapid-fire, hard-hitting questions about where he came from and why he’s here
  • Martin O’Malley scrambling to turn Baltimore into peaceful utopia by Tuesday night
  • Sanders carefully preparing to field questions about his 14-year tenure as head of Lehman Brothers
  • Lincoln Chafee continually reminding self he only 0.6 percent away from fourth place
  • Clinton put through a few warmup rounds with over-caffeinated Richard Dreyfuss
  • John Kerry giving Jim Webb some pointers on downplaying an accomplished military career and service in Vietnam
  • Stylists procuring balloon to rub against Sanders’ hair moments before debate begins
  • Clinton preparing to show off fun, spontaneous side by opening with joke she has been rehearsing for seven months

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