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Politics

How Trump Plans To ‘Drain The Swamp’

One of Donald Trump’s central presidential campaign promises was to “drain the swamp” by ridding Washington politics of corruption and corporate influence. Here’s how he plans to do it.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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How Democrats Are Preparing For Their First Debate

The first Democratic presidential debate will be held Tuesday, and the candidates are expected to battle it out over issues as wide-ranging as gun control, climate change, and wealth inequality in America. Here’s how the candidates are preparing for the debate:

  • Bernie Sanders repeatedly reminded not to point scolding finger directly into camera
  • Hillary Clinton and Super PAC director meeting on back-to-back park benches to hammer out last-minute details
  • Advisers submitting Jim Webb to a session of rapid-fire, hard-hitting questions about where he came from and why he’s here
  • Martin O’Malley scrambling to turn Baltimore into peaceful utopia by Tuesday night
  • Sanders carefully preparing to field questions about his 14-year tenure as head of Lehman Brothers
  • Lincoln Chafee continually reminding self he only 0.6 percent away from fourth place
  • Clinton put through a few warmup rounds with over-caffeinated Richard Dreyfuss
  • John Kerry giving Jim Webb some pointers on downplaying an accomplished military career and service in Vietnam
  • Stylists procuring balloon to rub against Sanders’ hair moments before debate begins
  • Clinton preparing to show off fun, spontaneous side by opening with joke she has been rehearsing for seven months

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