adBlockCheck

How Do Militant Groups Attract Americans?

Top Headlines

International

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

How Do Militant Groups Attract Americans?

Douglas McAuthur McCain, an American recently killed in Syria fighting on behalf of ISIS, is not the first U.S. citizen to join a militant Islamist organization. Here are some ways that such groups recruit Americans:

  • Preying on the weak by targeting naive, uneducated members of society, such as Americans
  • Flattering candidates by praising their lust for violence, hate-fueled worldview, and other standout qualities
  • Downplaying the part about dying and being globally reviled as a coward
  • Wooing young people with the rare chance to have a job
  • Internet
  • Offering an even larger selection of weapons than are available in America
  • Playing into young people’s fears of being left out of the next big thing
  • Giving away free ISIS lanyards, ISIS thumb drives, and other ISIS swag at job fair
  • Stressing that any time commitment could be over just a few short weeks after arriving in the Middle East
  • Letting U.S. continue current foreign policy strategy

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close