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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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How Do Militant Groups Attract Americans?

Douglas McAuthur McCain, an American recently killed in Syria fighting on behalf of ISIS, is not the first U.S. citizen to join a militant Islamist organization. Here are some ways that such groups recruit Americans:

  • Preying on the weak by targeting naive, uneducated members of society, such as Americans
  • Flattering candidates by praising their lust for violence, hate-fueled worldview, and other standout qualities
  • Downplaying the part about dying and being globally reviled as a coward
  • Wooing young people with the rare chance to have a job
  • Internet
  • Offering an even larger selection of weapons than are available in America
  • Playing into young people’s fears of being left out of the next big thing
  • Giving away free ISIS lanyards, ISIS thumb drives, and other ISIS swag at job fair
  • Stressing that any time commitment could be over just a few short weeks after arriving in the Middle East
  • Letting U.S. continue current foreign policy strategy

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