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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

FDA Rents Party House Upstate To Test New Drug

TOBYHANNA, PA—With preclinical studies of an in-development cholesterol-reducing medication now complete, Food and Drug Administration officials confirmed Monday they would be conducting initial trials of the new drug at a large party house they had rented in upstate Pennsylvania.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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How Facebook Is Trying To Retain Users

Facebook executives recently admitted that younger teenagers are abandoning the site for newer mobile messaging and social sharing apps, while a study from earlier this year found that the social network lost 11 million active users overall in the U.S. and Britain. Here are some options Facebook is considering to retain its existing users and win back those who have defected:

  • Offering new users an enticing sign-up package of 10 free stock images and 50 starter friends
  • Adding a fun 15-second Facebook jingle that plays on a loop as long as the page is open
  • Opening a cool spot with refreshments in the Facebook headquarters basement just for teens
  • Giving everyone 10 bonus Sparkle Circus points
  • Attracting young users by creating fake profiles for such teen idols as Tony Hawk, Bob Burnquist, Rodney Mullen, and Bucky Lasek
  • Cool car will be digitally added to background of every profile photo
  • Posting a delicious new recipe every day
  • Maybe some more Christian Singles sidebar ads

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