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A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

What You Need To Know About The Trump Administration’s Ties To Russia

New revelations from the U.S. intelligence community about potentially illegal communications between members of the Trump administration and Russian officials, which led to Michael Flynn resigning as national security advisor Monday, have increased calls for a wider investigation of Trump’s murky ties to Russia. Here’s what you need to know.
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How Facebook Is Trying To Retain Users

Facebook executives recently admitted that younger teenagers are abandoning the site for newer mobile messaging and social sharing apps, while a study from earlier this year found that the social network lost 11 million active users overall in the U.S. and Britain. Here are some options Facebook is considering to retain its existing users and win back those who have defected:

  • Offering new users an enticing sign-up package of 10 free stock images and 50 starter friends
  • Adding a fun 15-second Facebook jingle that plays on a loop as long as the page is open
  • Opening a cool spot with refreshments in the Facebook headquarters basement just for teens
  • Giving everyone 10 bonus Sparkle Circus points
  • Attracting young users by creating fake profiles for such teen idols as Tony Hawk, Bob Burnquist, Rodney Mullen, and Bucky Lasek
  • Cool car will be digitally added to background of every profile photo
  • Posting a delicious new recipe every day
  • Maybe some more Christian Singles sidebar ads
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