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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent:

  • Step 1: First, come up with something really cool, like a cheese grater that works in both directions. Oh shit, don’t steal that one! That’s mine!
  • Step 2: Research the marketplace to find out if your idea is original or if some asshole has already stolen it from you
  • Step 3: Call dibs
  • Step 4: Assess the financial potential of your invention by determining if it can be concisely summed up in a commercial jingle
  • Step 5: Before submitting your application, carefully review patent legal documents, occasionally stopping to nod your head as if you understand what they mean
  • Step 6: Patent and Trademark Office employees all have a good laugh
  • Step 7: Wait one to two decades
  • Step 8: Order several thousand pens with your invention’s name on them
  • Step 9: Come to terms with the fact that your financial future depends on your ability to market your product to people who buy whatever Peyton Manning and anthropomorphic wads of mucus tell them to
  • Step 10: Congratulations! You’re now legally allowed to funnel your life savings into getting your life’s work onto Dollar Tree shelves.
  • Step 11: Spend remainder of bitter, unnaturally truncated life filing lawsuits to protect patent

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