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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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How Firearm Background Checks Work

With gun violence in the United States rising to unprecedented levels, many lawmakers have pushed to expand federal background checks for the purchase of firearms. Here’s how background checks are currently conducted:

  • Step 1: Second Amendment rights violated.
  • Step 2: Applicant uses Form 4473 to lie about previous drug use.
  • Step 3: Records of applicant’s felony history submitted for review if state of South Carolina feels like it.
  • Step 4: Close friends and family are interviewed by federal agents in order to understand the buyer’s true sense of identity—their hopes, their dreams, their fears, and their general perception of their core essence or “self”—a deeper insight that no set of paper forms could ever achieve.
  • Step 5: Applicant fills out lengthy form detailing their mental health history and future.
  • Step 6: Proprietor of Carson’s Pawn & Guns entrusted with entering buyer’s info into federal Criminal Background Check System.
  • Step 7: FBI shamans check the buyer for any spiritual health issues during a two-day ayahuasca ceremony.
  • Step 8: Anyone seeking to buy a military grade automatic weapon or assault rifle is required to wait until the firearm dealer unlocks the case and hands it to them.
  • Step 9: Any applicant who is denied from purchasing a weapon at a Federal Firearms Licensee attends a regional gun show.
  • Step 10: Customer politely thanked for choosing to purchase firearm through legal means.


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