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How Firearm Background Checks Work

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Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

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Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.

How The IOC Plans To Address Doping

In light of its recent decision not to bar Russian athletes from competing in Rio despite their use of performance-enhancing drugs, the International Olympic Committee is working to establish more effective protocols to keep the Games drug-free. Here are some ways the IOC plans to address doping:

360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.
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How Firearm Background Checks Work

With gun violence in the United States rising to unprecedented levels, many lawmakers have pushed to expand federal background checks for the purchase of firearms. Here’s how background checks are currently conducted:

  • Step 1: Second Amendment rights violated.
  • Step 2: Applicant uses Form 4473 to lie about previous drug use.
  • Step 3: Records of applicant’s felony history submitted for review if state of South Carolina feels like it.
  • Step 4: Close friends and family are interviewed by federal agents in order to understand the buyer’s true sense of identity—their hopes, their dreams, their fears, and their general perception of their core essence or “self”—a deeper insight that no set of paper forms could ever achieve.
  • Step 5: Applicant fills out lengthy form detailing their mental health history and future.
  • Step 6: Proprietor of Carson’s Pawn & Guns entrusted with entering buyer’s info into federal Criminal Background Check System.
  • Step 7: FBI shamans check the buyer for any spiritual health issues during a two-day ayahuasca ceremony.
  • Step 8: Anyone seeking to buy a military grade automatic weapon or assault rifle is required to wait until the firearm dealer unlocks the case and hands it to them.
  • Step 9: Any applicant who is denied from purchasing a weapon at a Federal Firearms Licensee attends a regional gun show.
  • Step 10: Customer politely thanked for choosing to purchase firearm through legal means.


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