With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements
SYRACUSE, NY—Sending a surge of long-dormant, unwanted memories coursing through 27-year-old Chris Bellinger’s mind as he searched his laptop for an unrelated document Friday, the sudden resurfacing of a file called “Lyrics.doc” reportedly brought forth a chilling reminder of a life the local man thought he left behind years ago.
WASHINGTON—Calling the image an important addition to their collection, officials from the Smithsonian National Museum of American History announced Friday they have acquired a rare photograph where the whole Barlow family looks very nice.
SOUTH WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Expressing sorrow at the mere thought of what she has to endure, Americans across the nation confirmed Thursday that they feel absolutely terrible for the wife of a Little League World Series coach.
WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.
SACRAMENTO, CA—In an effort to address a hostile work environment, executives at Western Sun Media Consulting reportedly distributed a staff-wide memo Thursday encouraging any women at the company who had experienced sexual harassment to come forward with a resignation letter.
WASHINGTON—Highlighting the gaping security holes that continue to persist 15 years after the attacks, an encouraging report released Thursday by radical extremist think tank the Caliphate Institute determined that the United States is no safer than it was before 9/11.
MILFORD, CT—As part of the standardized instruction each employee receives before heading out to work in franchises worldwide, a new class of Subway trainees were reportedly assigned their own sandwich cadavers this week to help them learn how to locate and identify the meals’ various internal structures.
Though opportunities for women have increased considerably over the past century, insidious everyday sexism continues to inform the female experience. Here are some commonly asked questions about this pervasive form of discrimination
NORMAN, OK—Watching the 11-year-old play shortstop for his Little League team, local father Mark Garrett reported Wednesday that he thinks his son, Nathan, has what it takes to become an embittered alcoholic journeyman in the minor leagues.
‘If Anything Could Change Our Minds, It Would’ve Happened By Now,’ Say Candidate’s Supporters
WASHINGTON—Saying it should be very clear by now that absolutely nothing can change their position on the matter, steadfast supporters of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump told the rest of the nation Wednesday that it really shouldn’t bother trying to persuade them not to vote for him.
AIKEN, SC—Noting that he disappeared for over an hour during a campaign stop meet-and-greet with workers at a Bridgestone tire manufacturing plant, sources confirmed Tuesday that Democratic vice presidential candidate Tim Kaine was finally discovered riding on one of the factory’s conveyor belts.
Although she’s secured the Democratic presidential nomination, many voters across all demographics are still hesitant to vote for Hillary Clinton. The Onion breaks down the reasons Clinton is having a hard time luring reluctant voters.
ATHENS, GA—Enumerating the variety of health benefits that result from the practice, a study released Tuesday by the Department of Entomology at the University of Georgia recommends all insects spend at least 30 minutes skittering per day.
BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
VATICAN CITY—Saying it was probably a good idea to give Him some space for the next little while, Pope Francis warned Catholic worshippers this week that now is not the best time to bother God, sources confirmed.
With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card:
Step 1: Carefully determine which type of signal—whether it be a wink or air quotes—will accompany you telling your doctor that you’re having back pain
Step 2: Keep in mind that the process can take several weeks, so don’t wait until the day before the Dark Star Orchestra show to apply
Step 3: While waiting for your appointment, try not to be paranoid about the fact that everyone knows you’re there to apply for weed
Step 4: Don’t lead with the medical marijuana angle when meeting with your physician. Instead, subtly work your way up to it by asking if your doctor could recommend some good plants to ingest.
Step 5: Discuss with your physician whether Green Crack, Stevie Wonder, or Ghost Train Haze is best suited to your medical needs
Step 6: Free up the slot in your wallet between your driver’s license and CVS ExtraCare card
Step 7: Make sure the card you’re issued has a holographic picture of an anthropomorphic pot leaf smoking a fat blunt on it. If not, it might be a fake.
Step 8: Spend several hours on the phone attempting to get your health insurance to pay for a ceramic bong shaped like the Grim Reaper
Step 9: Inhale, hold it in, no—there you go, oh, you’re gonna feel that pretty soon, man