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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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How To Get A Medical Marijuana Card

With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card:

  • Step 1: Carefully determine which type of signal—whether it be a wink or air quotes—will accompany you telling your doctor that you’re having back pain
  • Step 2: Keep in mind that the process can take several weeks, so don’t wait until the day before the Dark Star Orchestra show to apply
  • Step 3: While waiting for your appointment, try not to be paranoid about the fact that everyone knows you’re there to apply for weed
  • Step 4: Don’t lead with the medical marijuana angle when meeting with your physician. Instead, subtly work your way up to it by asking if your doctor could recommend some good plants to ingest.
  • Step 5: Discuss with your physician whether Green Crack, Stevie Wonder, or Ghost Train Haze is best suited to your medical needs
  • Step 6: Free up the slot in your wallet between your driver’s license and CVS ExtraCare card
  • Step 7: Make sure the card you’re issued has a holographic picture of an anthropomorphic pot leaf smoking a fat blunt on it. If not, it might be a fake.
  • Step 8: Spend several hours on the phone attempting to get your health insurance to pay for a ceramic bong shaped like the Grim Reaper
  • Step 9: Inhale, hold it in, no—there you go, oh, you’re gonna feel that pretty soon, man



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