NEW YORK—Unable to ignore the incessant clatter arising from the man’s cubicle, several Westerbrook Financial employees confirmed Friday that their coworker Eric Ford was noisily typing away at his desk like a 1930s cub reporter chasing a hot lead.
LOS ANGELES—Shading the designated sections in red for easy identification by visitors, the Getty Center began distributing helpful museum maps this week highlighting which areas patrons shouldn’t feel too bad about skipping, sources confirmed.
NEW YORK—Following what they deemed to be a peculiar interaction with a number of possible implications, the nation’s top overthinkers gathered for an intensive three-day symposium this week to determine what that’s supposed to mean.
BOSTON—Explaining that he had made no effort to safeguard the book or even conceal it from sight, sources reported that brazen coffee shop patron Justin Dill left his copy of Vince Flynn’s counterterrorism thriller Consent To Kill completely unattended while using the restroom Friday.
WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center, approximately 70 percent of public officials who endorse Donald Trump for president do so after staring at their bedroom ceiling for at least four hours.
PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.
ORLANDO, FL—Saying they instantly fell in love with the good-natured golden retriever, members of the Judd family reportedly chose Thursday to adopt a different dog from an animal shelter than their reincarnated grandfather.
VAIL, CO—Trekking well beyond the comfortable terrain of the first few pages of his Google search, local man Bruce Costas, 35, was reportedly forced to venture deep into the harsh wilds of the internet Wednesday to have his opinion confirmed by outside sources.
PLAINS, GA—After regaining consciousness on the floor of the den inside Jimmy Carter’s private residence, a pair of groggy Secret Service agents quickly realized that the 91-year-old former president was on the loose, sources reported Wednesday.
SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”
MINNEAPOLIS—Though they had reportedly anticipated his psychological breakdown for the past several months, friends and family members of local man Lucas Whitford acknowledged Wednesday that the mental collapse the 32-year-old billing specialist was currently suffering looked entirely different than what they had expected.
PEORIA, IL—Explaining that the waste he creates today will still be affecting society in significant ways centuries from now, experts from Northwestern University confirmed Tuesday that local resident Aaron Jacobson’s garbage will have a far greater impact on the world than he will.
WASHINGTON—Saying they vaguely remembered the presidential candidate making the statement in front of a large rally but that they might be mistaken, citizens across the country were reportedly unable to recall Tuesday if Donald Trump had promised to personally fund abortion clinic bombings or if that just sounded right.
With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card:
Step 1: Carefully determine which type of signal—whether it be a wink or air quotes—will accompany you telling your doctor that you’re having back pain
Step 2: Keep in mind that the process can take several weeks, so don’t wait until the day before the Dark Star Orchestra show to apply
Step 3: While waiting for your appointment, try not to be paranoid about the fact that everyone knows you’re there to apply for weed
Step 4: Don’t lead with the medical marijuana angle when meeting with your physician. Instead, subtly work your way up to it by asking if your doctor could recommend some good plants to ingest.
Step 5: Discuss with your physician whether Green Crack, Stevie Wonder, or Ghost Train Haze is best suited to your medical needs
Step 6: Free up the slot in your wallet between your driver’s license and CVS ExtraCare card
Step 7: Make sure the card you’re issued has a holographic picture of an anthropomorphic pot leaf smoking a fat blunt on it. If not, it might be a fake.
Step 8: Spend several hours on the phone attempting to get your health insurance to pay for a ceramic bong shaped like the Grim Reaper
Step 9: Inhale, hold it in, no—there you go, oh, you’re gonna feel that pretty soon, man