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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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How To Get A Medical Marijuana Card

With 23 states now allowing the use of medical marijuana, many citizens are wondering how to obtain the substance safely and legally. Here is a step-by-step look at how to get and use a medical marijuana card:

  • Step 1: Carefully determine which type of signal—whether it be a wink or air quotes—will accompany you telling your doctor that you’re having back pain
  • Step 2: Keep in mind that the process can take several weeks, so don’t wait until the day before the Dark Star Orchestra show to apply
  • Step 3: While waiting for your appointment, try not to be paranoid about the fact that everyone knows you’re there to apply for weed
  • Step 4: Don’t lead with the medical marijuana angle when meeting with your physician. Instead, subtly work your way up to it by asking if your doctor could recommend some good plants to ingest.
  • Step 5: Discuss with your physician whether Green Crack, Stevie Wonder, or Ghost Train Haze is best suited to your medical needs
  • Step 6: Free up the slot in your wallet between your driver’s license and CVS ExtraCare card
  • Step 7: Make sure the card you’re issued has a holographic picture of an anthropomorphic pot leaf smoking a fat blunt on it. If not, it might be a fake.
  • Step 8: Spend several hours on the phone attempting to get your health insurance to pay for a ceramic bong shaped like the Grim Reaper
  • Step 9: Inhale, hold it in, no—there you go, oh, you’re gonna feel that pretty soon, man



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