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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.

Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.
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How Illegal Immigrants Cross The Border

Last week, in one of its largest arrests in the past year, U.S. Border Patrol agents apprehended 128 individuals suspected of illegally entering the country from Mexico as a single group. How are immigrants crossing into the United States?

  • Disguising self as asshole, joining group disguised as assholes, walking across border, blending in immediately
  • Having sexy cousins ask the Border Patrol whose breasts are nicer, then sneaking past while guards are judging
  • Getting selves medically disassembled to appear as a carton of donated organs and then reanimated by mad scientist in Brownsville, TX
  • Being carried across border and expelled by female, eventually growing to normal size
  • Launching a hot air balloon, then running across when everyone's looking up at it
  • E-mailing relatives in the States and adding themselves as attachments
  • Gulping down a handful of LSD and slipping straight into Phoenix on a rainbow
  • Devoting entire life to study of civil engineering, attending prestigious American doctoral program on student visa, completing coursework with distinction, allowing visa to expire, and then craftily fleecing U.S. out of millions and undermining native citizens' liberties

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