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How Illegal Immigrants Cross The Border

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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How Illegal Immigrants Cross The Border

Last week, in one of its largest arrests in the past year, U.S. Border Patrol agents apprehended 128 individuals suspected of illegally entering the country from Mexico as a single group. How are immigrants crossing into the United States?

  • Disguising self as asshole, joining group disguised as assholes, walking across border, blending in immediately
  • Having sexy cousins ask the Border Patrol whose breasts are nicer, then sneaking past while guards are judging
  • Getting selves medically disassembled to appear as a carton of donated organs and then reanimated by mad scientist in Brownsville, TX
  • Being carried across border and expelled by female, eventually growing to normal size
  • Launching a hot air balloon, then running across when everyone's looking up at it
  • E-mailing relatives in the States and adding themselves as attachments
  • Gulping down a handful of LSD and slipping straight into Phoenix on a rainbow
  • Devoting entire life to study of civil engineering, attending prestigious American doctoral program on student visa, completing coursework with distinction, allowing visa to expire, and then craftily fleecing U.S. out of millions and undermining native citizens' liberties

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