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How The Iowa Caucuses Work

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Election 2016

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

Trump’s Potential VP Picks

Here is a guide to presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump’s potential running mates in the 2016 presidential election

Nation Clinging Desperately To Brief Inspirational Moment Before Being Thrust Back Into Raging Election Maelstrom

WASHINGTON—Following Hillary Clinton’s primary victories Tuesday that presumably secured her place as the first woman in U.S. history to receive a major party’s presidential nomination, citizens across the nation admitted to reporters they were desperately clinging to the brief moment of inspiration before they are inevitably thrust back into the raging black maelstrom of the 2016 election.

Campaign Announces Clinton Has Entered Incubation Period After Securing Nomination

Candidate Transitioning Into Mature Presidential Form Inside Cocoon, Aides Say

NEW YORK—Immediately after she clinched the 2,383 delegates needed to secure the Democratic presidential nomination Monday night, campaign aides announced that Hillary Clinton had retreated to a dark corner of her Brooklyn headquarters and entered the beginning of a 16-week incubation period.

The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.
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How The Iowa Caucuses Work

The votes cast in the Iowa caucuses on Monday night mark the official beginning of the 2016 election season, but the specifics of the state’s selection process can be confusing to voters who don’t live there. Here, The Onion answers the most common questions about how the Iowa caucuses work:

Q: What is a caucus?
A: A caucus is a system of voting for people who wish casting a ballot could be three hours longer and include being lectured to.

Q: How do caucuses work?
A: Local representatives from each presidential campaign make impassioned speeches about which corner of the Grace Lutheran basement voters should stand closest to.

Q: What’s the difference between a caucus and a primary?
A: In a primary, the presidential nominees are chosen by the 6 percent of eligible voters who bother to participate, while in a caucus, the nominees are chosen by the 2 percent of eligible voters who bother to participate.

Q: Why do the Iowa caucuses matter?
A: They provide the first real gauge of whether candidates have been worthwhile investments for corporate and individual megadonors.

Q: Who can attend the Iowa caucuses?
A: Registered party members Level 7 or higher.

Q: How many precincts are there?
A: There are 1,681 official precincts, though there are rumored to be thousands more off the books.

Q: How are winners determined?
A: At the end of the night, votes from all precincts are placed in a jar together, and whichever candidate comes closest to guessing the total number of votes is awarded the state’s delegates.

Q: How can I find my closest caucus location?
A: Place a child of hearty disposition upon the palisade where the woodcock nests. By dawnbreak, you shall have your answer.

Q: When do they start?
A: At the sound of my whistle.

Q: When will we know the winner?
A: Once all the voters have gone to bed, results will be tabulated and left under each constituent’s pillow for them to find in the morning.

Q: Will I have the opportunity to say “Aye” or “Nay”?
A: Oh, boy, get ready!

Q: How do I engage with other people at the caucus?
A: Just go right up and talk to them. No need to be shy; just say who you are and be yourself. You’ll do great!

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