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Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

A Basic Guide To Dream Interpretation

Dreaming is a universal human experience, and many similar themes arise in people’s dreams the world over. The Onion provides some context for interpreting these common dreams:

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.
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How To Join The Priesthood

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest:

  • Step 1: Make sure you truly feel summoned to the priesthood rather than simply seduced by its promise of a glamorous life of chastity and contemplation
  • Step 2: Decide whether to follow the path of the priesthood or pursue other key roles within the Church, such as catechist, deacon, or archangel
  • Step 3: Before applying to seminaries, update your highlight reel with your best performances of the seven Holy Sacraments
  • Step 4: Candidates must personally feel the call of God to spend a life in servitude of Him, though you won’t have to prove that or anything
  • Step 5: Take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if your body type really works with a chasuble
  • Step 6: Obtain letters of recommendation from two patron saints of your choice
  • Step 7: Memorize the chart that assigns the amount of times one must repeat certain words in order for their actions to be forgiven
  • Step 8: Seminary diploma is withheld until student defeats the Devil best of three in a game of the Devil’s choosing
  • Step 9: Enjoy hard-earned 10 percent discount at participating Chili’s locations


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Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

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