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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

Being A Mom Was The Best Four Years Of My Life!

As I get older, I find myself reflecting on my life more often and marveling at what an amazing journey it’s been. I’ve made tons of great friends, been to magnificent places all over the world, and learned so many important things about myself along the way. But if I’m being honest, there’s one period of my life that stands out from all the rest: those four incredible years when I was a mom.
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How To Join The Priesthood

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest:

  • Step 1: Make sure you truly feel summoned to the priesthood rather than simply seduced by its promise of a glamorous life of chastity and contemplation
  • Step 2: Decide whether to follow the path of the priesthood or pursue other key roles within the Church, such as catechist, deacon, or archangel
  • Step 3: Before applying to seminaries, update your highlight reel with your best performances of the seven Holy Sacraments
  • Step 4: Candidates must personally feel the call of God to spend a life in servitude of Him, though you won’t have to prove that or anything
  • Step 5: Take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if your body type really works with a chasuble
  • Step 6: Obtain letters of recommendation from two patron saints of your choice
  • Step 7: Memorize the chart that assigns the amount of times one must repeat certain words in order for their actions to be forgiven
  • Step 8: Seminary diploma is withheld until student defeats the Devil best of three in a game of the Devil’s choosing
  • Step 9: Enjoy hard-earned 10 percent discount at participating Chili’s locations


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