adBlockCheck

Recent News

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.

Veteran Given Hero’s Welcome Back To Afghanistan

KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Waving flags and breaking into cheers the moment they spotted the veteran, dozens of joyous citizens gave Marine Pfc. Victor Rosas, 23, a hero’s welcome back to Afghanistan, sources reported Tuesday.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.
End Of Section
  • More News

How To Join The Priesthood

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest:

  • Step 1: Make sure you truly feel summoned to the priesthood rather than simply seduced by its promise of a glamorous life of chastity and contemplation
  • Step 2: Decide whether to follow the path of the priesthood or pursue other key roles within the Church, such as catechist, deacon, or archangel
  • Step 3: Before applying to seminaries, update your highlight reel with your best performances of the seven Holy Sacraments
  • Step 4: Candidates must personally feel the call of God to spend a life in servitude of Him, though you won’t have to prove that or anything
  • Step 5: Take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if your body type really works with a chasuble
  • Step 6: Obtain letters of recommendation from two patron saints of your choice
  • Step 7: Memorize the chart that assigns the amount of times one must repeat certain words in order for their actions to be forgiven
  • Step 8: Seminary diploma is withheld until student defeats the Devil best of three in a game of the Devil’s choosing
  • Step 9: Enjoy hard-earned 10 percent discount at participating Chili’s locations


More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close