WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.
After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
BOSWELL, IN—Saying they figured their community’s mix of high unemployment and low economic mobility would make it a prime target for the drug problem devastating similar small towns throughout the nation, residents of Boswell, IN reportedly wondered aloud Friday what was taking the heroin epidemic so long to get there.
ARLINGTON, VA—Announcing that the new 12-hour project would air on PBS next month, filmmaker Ken Burns confirmed Friday he had completed production on a documentary about all the fucking liars who claimed they watched his entire Jazz miniseries.
GLEN ROCK, NJ—Stressing that everyone is counting on them to win what they incorrectly assume to be one of the biggest games of the year, the Glen Rock Panthers soccer team is evidently under the impression that their high school’s football rivalries extend to them as well, sources confirmed Thursday.
SEATTLE—Speaking privately with advisors between campaign stops Thursday, Libertarian Party presidential candidate Gary Johnson expressed his concern that he was peaking too early after reaching 9 percent in national polls, sources reported.
WASHINGTON—According to an alarming new report published Thursday by the National Center for Education Research, the majority of American students do not possess the language skills and vocabulary necessary to belittle their classmates in an effective manner.
COLUMBUS, OH—Going about his daily routine without any knowledge of what would transpire in the near future, local black man Richard Phillips was said to be blissfully unaware Thursday that his name would be a social media hashtag by the end of the week.
NEW YORK—Standing slightly crouched with her fists raised up in front of her in the middle of her campaign office’s mock stage, a blindfolded Hillary Clinton reportedly implored her high-level staffers to attack her with talking points from all sides Wednesday in preparation for next week’s first presidential debate.
WASHINGTON—Calling the grisly crime scene “deeply disturbing,” Metropolitan Police confirmed Wednesday that the dismembered body of political statistician Nate Silver had been found in a dumpster behind the Gallup organization’s headquarters.
STATESVILLE, NC—Taking note of their audible sighs and the undercurrent of resentment evident in their attempts at cooperation, gourmet cooking class instructor Dana Robertson told reporters Wednesday she could already tell which couples signed up for her French Bistro Basics course based on their marriage counselor’s recommendation.
The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
STANFORD, CA—Saying their findings were consistent across all ages and demographic groups, psychologists at Stanford University released a groundbreaking report this week confirming that feeling bad right now is an extremely accurate predictor of feeling bad forever.
With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest:
Step 1: Make sure you truly feel summoned to the priesthood rather than simply seduced by its promise of a glamorous life of chastity and contemplation
Step 2: Decide whether to follow the path of the priesthood or pursue other key roles within the Church, such as catechist, deacon, or archangel
Step 3: Before applying to seminaries, update your highlight reel with your best performances of the seven Holy Sacraments
Step 4: Candidates must personally feel the call of God to spend a life in servitude of Him, though you won’t have to prove that or anything
Step 5: Take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if your body type really works with a chasuble
Step 6: Obtain letters of recommendation from two patron saints of your choice
Step 7: Memorize the chart that assigns the amount of times one must repeat certain words in order for their actions to be forgiven
Step 8: Seminary diploma is withheld until student defeats the Devil best of three in a game of the Devil’s choosing