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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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How To Join The Priesthood

With the number of Catholic clergymen in the United States waning, those who choose the pious life of the priesthood are presented with many practical and spiritual challenges. Here is a step-by-step guide to becoming a priest:

  • Step 1: Make sure you truly feel summoned to the priesthood rather than simply seduced by its promise of a glamorous life of chastity and contemplation
  • Step 2: Decide whether to follow the path of the priesthood or pursue other key roles within the Church, such as catechist, deacon, or archangel
  • Step 3: Before applying to seminaries, update your highlight reel with your best performances of the seven Holy Sacraments
  • Step 4: Candidates must personally feel the call of God to spend a life in servitude of Him, though you won’t have to prove that or anything
  • Step 5: Take a good, hard look in the mirror and ask yourself if your body type really works with a chasuble
  • Step 6: Obtain letters of recommendation from two patron saints of your choice
  • Step 7: Memorize the chart that assigns the amount of times one must repeat certain words in order for their actions to be forgiven
  • Step 8: Seminary diploma is withheld until student defeats the Devil best of three in a game of the Devil’s choosing
  • Step 9: Enjoy hard-earned 10 percent discount at participating Chili’s locations


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