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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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How To Meditate

The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.

  • Step 1: Decide whether you’d prefer your meditation space to be totally silent or have some classic Rodney Dangerfield sets playing in the background.
  • Step 2: As you prepare for your session, be careful not to confuse the tenets of meditation with those of yoga. Zen masters and yogis fucking hate each other.
  • Step 3: Focus on your breathing. Remember, the harder you breathe, the harder you will meditate.
  • Step 4: Pick a mantra to repeat over and over again while you meditate, such as “Om mani padme hum” or “Big money, big money.”
  • Step 5: Picture ocean waves gently washing ashore; in and out; in and out. See the waves. In; out; in; out. See? You’ve already forgotten about picking up your kids from soccer practice.
  • Step 6: With consistent practice, you should start developing calluses on your chakras in no time.
  • Step 7: If you don’t feel relaxed after you meditate for the first time, don’t be discouraged. You could just be one of those people who reaches inner peace by screaming into a pillow every now and then.
  • Step 8: Meditate at the same time the next day, until this precious escape becomes part of your drudging and mechanical routine.


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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

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