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How To Meditate

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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How To Meditate

The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.

  • Step 1: Decide whether you’d prefer your meditation space to be totally silent or have some classic Rodney Dangerfield sets playing in the background.
  • Step 2: As you prepare for your session, be careful not to confuse the tenets of meditation with those of yoga. Zen masters and yogis fucking hate each other.
  • Step 3: Focus on your breathing. Remember, the harder you breathe, the harder you will meditate.
  • Step 4: Pick a mantra to repeat over and over again while you meditate, such as “Om mani padme hum” or “Big money, big money.”
  • Step 5: Picture ocean waves gently washing ashore; in and out; in and out. See the waves. In; out; in; out. See? You’ve already forgotten about picking up your kids from soccer practice.
  • Step 6: With consistent practice, you should start developing calluses on your chakras in no time.
  • Step 7: If you don’t feel relaxed after you meditate for the first time, don’t be discouraged. You could just be one of those people who reaches inner peace by screaming into a pillow every now and then.
  • Step 8: Meditate at the same time the next day, until this precious escape becomes part of your drudging and mechanical routine.


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