MIAMI—In their first official meeting Saturday as Democratic running mates, Hillary Clinton reportedly pulled aside her vice presidential pick, Virginia senator Tim Kaine, and quietly assured him that in the event of her death while in office, she would continue serving as commander-in-chief.
The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.
- Step 1: Decide whether you’d prefer your meditation space to be totally silent or have some classic Rodney Dangerfield sets playing in the background.
- Step 2: As you prepare for your session, be careful not to confuse the tenets of meditation with those of yoga. Zen masters and yogis fucking hate each other.
- Step 3: Focus on your breathing. Remember, the harder you breathe, the harder you will meditate.
- Step 4: Pick a mantra to repeat over and over again while you meditate, such as “Om mani padme hum” or “Big money, big money.”
- Step 5: Picture ocean waves gently washing ashore; in and out; in and out. See the waves. In; out; in; out. See? You’ve already forgotten about picking up your kids from soccer practice.
- Step 6: With consistent practice, you should start developing calluses on your chakras in no time.
- Step 7: If you don’t feel relaxed after you meditate for the first time, don’t be discouraged. You could just be one of those people who reaches inner peace by screaming into a pillow every now and then.
- Step 8: Meditate at the same time the next day, until this precious escape becomes part of your drudging and mechanical routine.