NEW YORK—Unable to ignore the incessant clatter arising from the man’s cubicle, several Westerbrook Financial employees confirmed Friday that their coworker Eric Ford was noisily typing away at his desk like a 1930s cub reporter chasing a hot lead.
LOS ANGELES—Shading the designated sections in red for easy identification by visitors, the Getty Center began distributing helpful museum maps this week highlighting which areas patrons shouldn’t feel too bad about skipping, sources confirmed.
NEW YORK—Following what they deemed to be a peculiar interaction with a number of possible implications, the nation’s top overthinkers gathered for an intensive three-day symposium this week to determine what that’s supposed to mean.
BOSTON—Explaining that he had made no effort to safeguard the book or even conceal it from sight, sources reported that brazen coffee shop patron Justin Dill left his copy of Vince Flynn’s counterterrorism thriller Consent To Kill completely unattended while using the restroom Friday.
WASHINGTON—According to a report published Thursday by the Pew Research Center, approximately 70 percent of public officials who endorse Donald Trump for president do so after staring at their bedroom ceiling for at least four hours.
PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.
ORLANDO, FL—Saying they instantly fell in love with the good-natured golden retriever, members of the Judd family reportedly chose Thursday to adopt a different dog from an animal shelter than their reincarnated grandfather.
VAIL, CO—Trekking well beyond the comfortable terrain of the first few pages of his Google search, local man Bruce Costas, 35, was reportedly forced to venture deep into the harsh wilds of the internet Wednesday to have his opinion confirmed by outside sources.
PLAINS, GA—After regaining consciousness on the floor of the den inside Jimmy Carter’s private residence, a pair of groggy Secret Service agents quickly realized that the 91-year-old former president was on the loose, sources reported Wednesday.
SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”
MINNEAPOLIS—Though they had reportedly anticipated his psychological breakdown for the past several months, friends and family members of local man Lucas Whitford acknowledged Wednesday that the mental collapse the 32-year-old billing specialist was currently suffering looked entirely different than what they had expected.
PEORIA, IL—Explaining that the waste he creates today will still be affecting society in significant ways centuries from now, experts from Northwestern University confirmed Tuesday that local resident Aaron Jacobson’s garbage will have a far greater impact on the world than he will.
WASHINGTON—Saying they vaguely remembered the presidential candidate making the statement in front of a large rally but that they might be mistaken, citizens across the country were reportedly unable to recall Tuesday if Donald Trump had promised to personally fund abortion clinic bombings or if that just sounded right.
Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race
The Onion breaks down the steps involved in clearing your mind and meditating effectively.
Step 1: Decide whether you’d prefer your meditation space to be totally silent or have some classic Rodney Dangerfield sets playing in the background.
Step 2: As you prepare for your session, be careful not to confuse the tenets of meditation with those of yoga. Zen masters and yogis fucking hate each other.
Step 3: Focus on your breathing. Remember, the harder you breathe, the harder you will meditate.
Step 4: Pick a mantra to repeat over and over again while you meditate, such as “Om mani padme hum” or “Big money, big money.”
Step 5: Picture ocean waves gently washing ashore; in and out; in and out. See the waves. In; out; in; out. See? You’ve already forgotten about picking up your kids from soccer practice.
Step 6: With consistent practice, you should start developing calluses on your chakras in no time.
Step 7: If you don’t feel relaxed after you meditate for the first time, don’t be discouraged. You could just be one of those people who reaches inner peace by screaming into a pillow every now and then.
Step 8: Meditate at the same time the next day, until this precious escape becomes part of your drudging and mechanical routine.