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Departing Bo Obama Lands K Street Lobbyist Position

WASHINGTON—Touting his lengthy tenure in the White House and close personal relationships with the president of the United States and first lady, executives at Brownstein Hyatt Farber Schreck announced Monday that once the current administration steps down later this week, the departing Bo Obama will officially join their high-powered K Street lobbying firm.

How To Combat Harassment Online

Online harassment is an increasingly contentious issue, with social media sites like Twitter and Reddit pressured to crack down on users’ abusive behavior. Here are The Onion’s tips for combating harassment online:

Strongside/Weakside: Deshaun Watson

After leading his team to victory in the College Football Playoff National Championship, Clemson University quarterback Deshaun Watson announced he would forgo his final year of eligibility and declare for the NFL Draft. Is he any good?

A Timeline Of Trump’s Relationship With The Press

President-elect Donald Trump routinely insists that he is treated unfairly by the press, while many in the news industry have openly expressed how difficult it can be to report on him in today’s chaotic media environment. Here is a timeline of the major events that have shaped this relationship.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.
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How Obamacare’s Health Insurance Exchanges Work

As part of the implementation of President Obama’s signature Affordable Care Act, private health insurance exchanges are being rolled out on Oct. 1 as a means for citizens to obtain medical coverage. Here are some helpful answers to the most common questions about these exchanges:

What will the health insurance options cover?

Under the provisions of the Affordable Care Act, all plans are required to provide essential health benefits, which include any laboratory tests on knees, full outpatient knee care, and 24-hour knee monitoring.

What will these plans cost?

The price of liberty, freedom, and the American way of life.

Who is eligible to receive insurance via these exchanges?

Definitely not Nana. In fact, you’re better off just saying goodbye to Nana now and getting it over with.

Who provides the insurance?

Walmart.

Will I be able to see any doctor I want?

No, your physician is Dr. Michael Possin. Call his office for an appointment.

Will my spouse be covered?

Carol said yes? Oh my God, congratulations!

What will happen to my medical records?

Patients’ privacy is taken very seriously under the Affordable Care Act. As such, your medical records can only be seen by you, your doctor, and President Obama.

I am a partially deaf 34-year-old man. I am extremely self-conscious and have trouble meeting women and making friends in general. I am very lonely. Should I buy insurance through the exchange?

Yes.

What if I am already covered by health insurance at work?

Well, I hate to say it, but we just got the word from Denise in HR: You’ve been let go. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.

How will my day-to-day life be affected under this plan?

Imagine a world with one big safety net there to catch you. Now get out there and buy that motorcycle!

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