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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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How Oscar Winners Are Selected

Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have until Tuesday, Feb. 25 to cast their Oscar ballots. Here is the process by which Academy members will select this year’s winners:

  • The Academy contacts each nominee to make sure they own something nice to wear to the ceremony
  • The genitalia of each Oscar-nominated actor and actress is closely inspected by each member to ensure that they are nominated in the correct category
  • A computer creates five random names to put on the ballot under Best Sound Editing
  • The merits of every Best Picture nominee are evaluated separately against River Wild, Curtis Hanson’s thrilling and heartfelt 1994 action-adventure drama long held as the industry standard for excellence in filmmaking
  • To curb the lengthy Oscar campaign season, Best Supporting Actor nominees are limited to two debates
  • Academy members take a long, soul-searching walk in the middle of the night pondering what it really means to have the “best” original song
  • The Oscar for Best Actor is computed using the following algorithm: [(KPI^2)/(LG*FF*PRP)]^[sqrt(BGT/5Qr)]
  • Before casting their ballots, Academy members wrestle with the notion that all art is subjective and that their fetishization of awarding perverts the very art form they mean to celebrate
  • The Academy enjoys a hearty laugh over how much everyone cares about this shit
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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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