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Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Musical The Kind With Number About Putting On A Show

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Noting the increasingly animated choreography and behavior of the characters on stage, sources at the Tallahassee Community Theatre reported Friday that this is apparently the kind of musical with a big number about putting on a show.

What To Watch For In The New Obi-Wan Kenobi Film

Disney has announced they are in the early stages of developing a stand-alone ‘Star Wars’ film focused on the adventures of Jedi master Obi-Wan Kenobi. Here’s what fans can expect to see in the upcoming release.
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How Oscar Winners Are Selected

Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have until Tuesday, Feb. 25 to cast their Oscar ballots. Here is the process by which Academy members will select this year’s winners:

  • The Academy contacts each nominee to make sure they own something nice to wear to the ceremony
  • The genitalia of each Oscar-nominated actor and actress is closely inspected by each member to ensure that they are nominated in the correct category
  • A computer creates five random names to put on the ballot under Best Sound Editing
  • The merits of every Best Picture nominee are evaluated separately against River Wild, Curtis Hanson’s thrilling and heartfelt 1994 action-adventure drama long held as the industry standard for excellence in filmmaking
  • To curb the lengthy Oscar campaign season, Best Supporting Actor nominees are limited to two debates
  • Academy members take a long, soul-searching walk in the middle of the night pondering what it really means to have the “best” original song
  • The Oscar for Best Actor is computed using the following algorithm: [(KPI^2)/(LG*FF*PRP)]^[sqrt(BGT/5Qr)]
  • Before casting their ballots, Academy members wrestle with the notion that all art is subjective and that their fetishization of awarding perverts the very art form they mean to celebrate
  • The Academy enjoys a hearty laugh over how much everyone cares about this shit

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