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What You Need To Know About Last Night’s Oscars Debacle

Many viewers were left wondering about the sequence of events that led to the initial erroneous declaration of ‘La La Land’ as the Best Picture winner at the Academy Awards Sunday instead of the real winner, ‘Moonlight’. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about this fiasco.

Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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How Oscar Winners Are Selected

Members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences have until Tuesday, Feb. 25 to cast their Oscar ballots. Here is the process by which Academy members will select this year’s winners:

  • The Academy contacts each nominee to make sure they own something nice to wear to the ceremony
  • The genitalia of each Oscar-nominated actor and actress is closely inspected by each member to ensure that they are nominated in the correct category
  • A computer creates five random names to put on the ballot under Best Sound Editing
  • The merits of every Best Picture nominee are evaluated separately against River Wild, Curtis Hanson’s thrilling and heartfelt 1994 action-adventure drama long held as the industry standard for excellence in filmmaking
  • To curb the lengthy Oscar campaign season, Best Supporting Actor nominees are limited to two debates
  • Academy members take a long, soul-searching walk in the middle of the night pondering what it really means to have the “best” original song
  • The Oscar for Best Actor is computed using the following algorithm: [(KPI^2)/(LG*FF*PRP)]^[sqrt(BGT/5Qr)]
  • Before casting their ballots, Academy members wrestle with the notion that all art is subjective and that their fetishization of awarding perverts the very art form they mean to celebrate
  • The Academy enjoys a hearty laugh over how much everyone cares about this shit
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