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How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas

From fashioning straw yule goats in Scandinavia to the Feast of the Seven Fishes in southern Italy, Christmas is celebrated in a variety of ways across the globe. Here is a closer look at some notable Christmas traditions around the world:

  • United States: Citizens gather around television sets all across the country for the annual viewing of Yogi Bear’s All-Star Comedy Christmas Caper
  • China: Nation comes together to cover the entire Great Wall in wrapping paper
  • Bulgaria: Families decorate their homes in traditional Christmas colors of gray, light gray, and dark gray
  • Liechtenstein: Liechtenstein rings in the holiday season exactly how it’s meant to be done: the Liechtensteinian way!
  • Italy: Children in Italy believe Santa Claus is a hag called La Befana who rides around on a broomstick giving out gifts. Pretty fucking stupid, right?
  • Japan: Families gather together to watch their favorite holiday-themed television program, Hinshi No Kurisumasu Shōfu No Odori, in which nude males compete to break each other’s noses while standing on rapidly melting ice
  • Dan’s House: Dan’s Jewish, so he doesn’t celebrate Christmas. But that’s okay.
  • Gliese 623b: Christmas on this distant red dwarf star tends to be a subdued affair, with the celestial body producing a standard quantity of helium and emitting luminosity much as it has for the last trillion years
  • Santa’s Workshop: Ironically enough, this Tennessee strip club is closed on Christmas day

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