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North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.

Pope Francis Carves Roast Cherub For Vatican Christmas Dinner

VATICAN CITY—After pulling a probe thermometer from its thigh and tasting a piece of crispy golden-brown skin, Pope Francis began carving a slow-roasted 18-pound cherub for the Vatican’s annual Christmas feast, sources within the Holy See reported Sunday.
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How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas

From fashioning straw yule goats in Scandinavia to the Feast of the Seven Fishes in southern Italy, Christmas is celebrated in a variety of ways across the globe. Here is a closer look at some notable Christmas traditions around the world:

  • United States: Citizens gather around television sets all across the country for the annual viewing of Yogi Bear’s All-Star Comedy Christmas Caper
  • China: Nation comes together to cover the entire Great Wall in wrapping paper
  • Bulgaria: Families decorate their homes in traditional Christmas colors of gray, light gray, and dark gray
  • Liechtenstein: Liechtenstein rings in the holiday season exactly how it’s meant to be done: the Liechtensteinian way!
  • Italy: Children in Italy believe Santa Claus is a hag called La Befana who rides around on a broomstick giving out gifts. Pretty fucking stupid, right?
  • Japan: Families gather together to watch their favorite holiday-themed television program, Hinshi No Kurisumasu Shōfu No Odori, in which nude males compete to break each other’s noses while standing on rapidly melting ice
  • Dan’s House: Dan’s Jewish, so he doesn’t celebrate Christmas. But that’s okay.
  • Gliese 623b: Christmas on this distant red dwarf star tends to be a subdued affair, with the celestial body producing a standard quantity of helium and emitting luminosity much as it has for the last trillion years
  • Santa’s Workshop: Ironically enough, this Tennessee strip club is closed on Christmas day

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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

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