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How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas

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ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Vatican City Residents Rally To Save St. Peter’s Basilica From Development

VATICAN CITY—Citing its historical significance and the valuable role it plays in the community, residents of Vatican City rallied this week to save St. Peter’s Basilica from being demolished as part of a development project that would convert the site into an expansive residential and retail complex, sources reported.

Saudi Authorities Decry Wasteful 3-Hour Death-Row Appeals Process

RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA—Criticizing the amount of time and money wasted between a condemned individual’s sentencing and eventual execution, Saudi government officials expressed frustration Monday over the country’s costly three-hour appeals process for convicts facing the death penalty.
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How People Around The World Celebrate Christmas

From fashioning straw yule goats in Scandinavia to the Feast of the Seven Fishes in southern Italy, Christmas is celebrated in a variety of ways across the globe. Here is a closer look at some notable Christmas traditions around the world:

  • United States: Citizens gather around television sets all across the country for the annual viewing of Yogi Bear’s All-Star Comedy Christmas Caper
  • China: Nation comes together to cover the entire Great Wall in wrapping paper
  • Bulgaria: Families decorate their homes in traditional Christmas colors of gray, light gray, and dark gray
  • Liechtenstein: Liechtenstein rings in the holiday season exactly how it’s meant to be done: the Liechtensteinian way!
  • Italy: Children in Italy believe Santa Claus is a hag called La Befana who rides around on a broomstick giving out gifts. Pretty fucking stupid, right?
  • Japan: Families gather together to watch their favorite holiday-themed television program, Hinshi No Kurisumasu Shōfu No Odori, in which nude males compete to break each other’s noses while standing on rapidly melting ice
  • Dan’s House: Dan’s Jewish, so he doesn’t celebrate Christmas. But that’s okay.
  • Gliese 623b: Christmas on this distant red dwarf star tends to be a subdued affair, with the celestial body producing a standard quantity of helium and emitting luminosity much as it has for the last trillion years
  • Santa’s Workshop: Ironically enough, this Tennessee strip club is closed on Christmas day

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