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The Arguments For And Against Bernie Sanders Staying In The Race

Bernie Sanders is ramping up his efforts in the presidential race despite long odds, while sharpening his criticisms of a Democratic Party increasingly focused on the general election with Hillary Clinton as their presumptive nominee. Here are the arguments for and against Sanders staying in the race

Donald Trump’s Campaign: Myth Vs. Fact

Donald Trump’s political positions, personal history, and potential governing style have been the subject of much debate throughout the 2016 election. The Onion separates myth from fact in this breakdown of Trump’s campaign:

Report: Well, Here We Go

WASHINGTON—With Donald Trump’s two remaining GOP rivals suspending their candidacies and clearing a path for the billionaire businessman to assume the Republican presidential nomination, reports indicated Wednesday that, well, hoo boy, here we go.

Ted Cruz Dressed For Campaign Rally By Swarm Of Loyal Vermin

INDIANAPOLIS—In what has reportedly become a daily routine on the campaign trail, Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz stood alone in the center of his hotel suite Tuesday morning where he was carefully dressed and groomed by a swarm of loyal vermin.

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.
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How Political Polling Works

The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to the U.S. political polling process.

  • Step 1: Researchers begin by dialing every possible U.S. phone number combination, starting with (111) 111-1111
  • Step 2: Dinner interrupted
  • Step 3: Pollster asks to speak with the member of the household who best represents the nation as a whole
  • Step 4: Respondent selects poll difficulty level of “easy,” “medium,” or “hard”
  • Step 5: Thousands of poll respondents hearing candidates’ names for the very first time asked to make rational judgment about which one is better
  • Step 6: Pollsters listen for key epithets in voter’s rant to determine stance on immigration
  • Step 7: Pollster, respondent both silently wonder whether great cold-call conversation could blossom into something more
  • Step 8: Voters who are identified as undecided are forced to stay on the line until they make up their minds
  • Step 9: Pollster calls ex and remains totally silent when they pick up, just listening to the sound of their voice for a few precious moments before hanging up
  • Step 10: Poll’s margin of error determined by asking pollster how good a job they think they did
  • Step 11: Color palette for pie chart selected
  • Step 12: Statisticians explain why polling data was so flawed and inaccurate after election results come in

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