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Politics

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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How Political Polling Works

The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to the U.S. political polling process.

  • Step 1: Researchers begin by dialing every possible U.S. phone number combination, starting with (111) 111-1111
  • Step 2: Dinner interrupted
  • Step 3: Pollster asks to speak with the member of the household who best represents the nation as a whole
  • Step 4: Respondent selects poll difficulty level of “easy,” “medium,” or “hard”
  • Step 5: Thousands of poll respondents hearing candidates’ names for the very first time asked to make rational judgment about which one is better
  • Step 6: Pollsters listen for key epithets in voter’s rant to determine stance on immigration
  • Step 7: Pollster, respondent both silently wonder whether great cold-call conversation could blossom into something more
  • Step 8: Voters who are identified as undecided are forced to stay on the line until they make up their minds
  • Step 9: Pollster calls ex and remains totally silent when they pick up, just listening to the sound of their voice for a few precious moments before hanging up
  • Step 10: Poll’s margin of error determined by asking pollster how good a job they think they did
  • Step 11: Color palette for pie chart selected
  • Step 12: Statisticians explain why polling data was so flawed and inaccurate after election results come in

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