Following an exhaustive six-year analysis of numerous inanimate beings, scientists at Oxford University announced Thursday they have conclusively proven that statues are our species’ nearest nonliving relatives.
The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to the U.S. political polling process.
- Step 1: Researchers begin by dialing every possible U.S. phone number combination, starting with (111) 111-1111
- Step 2: Dinner interrupted
- Step 3: Pollster asks to speak with the member of the household who best represents the nation as a whole
- Step 4: Respondent selects poll difficulty level of “easy,” “medium,” or “hard”
- Step 5: Thousands of poll respondents hearing candidates’ names for the very first time asked to make rational judgment about which one is better
- Step 6: Pollsters listen for key epithets in voter’s rant to determine stance on immigration
- Step 7: Pollster, respondent both silently wonder whether great cold-call conversation could blossom into something more
- Step 8: Voters who are identified as undecided are forced to stay on the line until they make up their minds
- Step 9: Pollster calls ex and remains totally silent when they pick up, just listening to the sound of their voice for a few precious moments before hanging up
- Step 10: Poll’s margin of error determined by asking pollster how good a job they think they did
- Step 11: Color palette for pie chart selected
- Step 12: Statisticians explain why polling data was so flawed and inaccurate after election results come in