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How Political Polling Works

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Trump Casually Informs Pence He Going To Make One Or Two Appearances During Speech

CLEVELAND—Pulling his running mate aside backstage at the Republican National Convention just minutes before the Indiana governor was scheduled to formally accept the party’s vice presidential nomination, GOP candidate Donald Trump casually informed Mike Pence that he would probably make one or two quick appearances during the Midwestern conservative’s headlining speech tonight.

‘Heed My Tragic Story Well, Friends, For You Could Just As Easily Be Me,’ Says Chris Christie In Haunting RNC Speech

CLEVELAND—A thrall sweeping over the assembled GOP officials and party members Tuesday as he recounted his chilling tale of hubris, New Jersey governor Chris Christie reportedly entreated those at the Republican National Convention to consider the sad story of his own dizzying rise and ignominious fall, offering a bitter warning to all in attendance that his terrible fate could befall any one of them.
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How Political Polling Works

The Onion provides a step-by-step guide to the U.S. political polling process.

  • Step 1: Researchers begin by dialing every possible U.S. phone number combination, starting with (111) 111-1111
  • Step 2: Dinner interrupted
  • Step 3: Pollster asks to speak with the member of the household who best represents the nation as a whole
  • Step 4: Respondent selects poll difficulty level of “easy,” “medium,” or “hard”
  • Step 5: Thousands of poll respondents hearing candidates’ names for the very first time asked to make rational judgment about which one is better
  • Step 6: Pollsters listen for key epithets in voter’s rant to determine stance on immigration
  • Step 7: Pollster, respondent both silently wonder whether great cold-call conversation could blossom into something more
  • Step 8: Voters who are identified as undecided are forced to stay on the line until they make up their minds
  • Step 9: Pollster calls ex and remains totally silent when they pick up, just listening to the sound of their voice for a few precious moments before hanging up
  • Step 10: Poll’s margin of error determined by asking pollster how good a job they think they did
  • Step 11: Color palette for pie chart selected
  • Step 12: Statisticians explain why polling data was so flawed and inaccurate after election results come in

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