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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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How Powerhouse Teams Came Up Short

The factors in the collapse of the Heat's supposedly unstoppable Big Three will be analyzed for a long time, and as we've seen in the past, juggernauts disappoint for many reasons.

  • 1980 Soviet national hockey team: Goal-rationing
  • 1990 Mike Tyson: Loses title bout to James ‘Buster’ Douglas in 10th-round knockout after Douglas discovers Tyson’s intense fear of getting punched a lot.
  • 2004 Los Angeles Lakers: Fail to see a letdown coming even after signing Gary Payton and Karl Malone, who say they want to lose one last championship before retiring
  • 2006 New York Mets: Despite their bloated $100 million payroll, the Mets struggle to produce in the NLCS as soon as they realize their uniforms say “Mets” on them
  • 2008 U.S. women’s national softball team: The American women enter the 2008 Olympic games having won… You know what, this one's not even worth it
  • 2007 Patriots: The undefeated Patriots, possibly the best football team ever assembled, lose the Super Bowl to the Giants and prove that you’re not guaranteed to win just because you have black hearts made of pure evil
  • 2010 New York Jets: Though they enter the season as favorites, their strategy of getting drunk, acting like assholes, and whining about everything fails to get the Jets into the Super Bowl
  • 1901-2011 New York Yankees: After spending billions of dollars on the best baseball players the world has to offer, the Yankees win only 27 titles in nearly 100 opportunities

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