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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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How Powerhouse Teams Came Up Short

The factors in the collapse of the Heat's supposedly unstoppable Big Three will be analyzed for a long time, and as we've seen in the past, juggernauts disappoint for many reasons.

  • 1980 Soviet national hockey team: Goal-rationing
  • 1990 Mike Tyson: Loses title bout to James ‘Buster’ Douglas in 10th-round knockout after Douglas discovers Tyson’s intense fear of getting punched a lot.
  • 2004 Los Angeles Lakers: Fail to see a letdown coming even after signing Gary Payton and Karl Malone, who say they want to lose one last championship before retiring
  • 2006 New York Mets: Despite their bloated $100 million payroll, the Mets struggle to produce in the NLCS as soon as they realize their uniforms say “Mets” on them
  • 2008 U.S. women’s national softball team: The American women enter the 2008 Olympic games having won… You know what, this one's not even worth it
  • 2007 Patriots: The undefeated Patriots, possibly the best football team ever assembled, lose the Super Bowl to the Giants and prove that you’re not guaranteed to win just because you have black hearts made of pure evil
  • 2010 New York Jets: Though they enter the season as favorites, their strategy of getting drunk, acting like assholes, and whining about everything fails to get the Jets into the Super Bowl
  • 1901-2011 New York Yankees: After spending billions of dollars on the best baseball players the world has to offer, the Yankees win only 27 titles in nearly 100 opportunities

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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