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How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
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How Refugees Are Admitted Into The U.S.

The United States’ effort to accept Syrian refugees seeking asylum has been the subject of much controversy over security concerns and the rigor of the vetting process. Here are the steps involved in a refugee’s arrival in America:

  • Step 1: Filled-out refugee application materials thrown onto large, unorganized pile of folders on desk at United States immigration headquarters
  • Step 2: Applicants shown pictures of various U.S. landmarks and asked how violent they make them feel
  • Step 3: Nonrefundable $45 credit check fee
  • Step 4: Find safe place to wait out gunfire for next two years while application is processed
  • Step 5: Tracking chips inserted into refugees’ forearms
  • Step 6: Cry softly
  • Step 7: Often regarded as the most arduous step of the process, refugees must successfully elicit some level of sympathy from the American populace
  • Step 8: Age another year
  • Step 9: Legally accepted refugees inserted onto list to receive government benefits, directly ahead of all of nation’s veterans
  • Step 10: Accept grim but very real possibility of life in Billings, MT
  • Step 11: Refugees given list of mosques under government watch they are allowed to attend
  • Step 12: Enjoy full rights and privileges of something called “Adjust Status”
  • Step 13: Fully assimilate by denying sanctuary to future waves of refugees from another part of the world


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