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How Russia Is Preparing For The Winter Olympics

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
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How Russia Is Preparing For The Winter Olympics

With the 2014 Winter Olympics just days away from opening in the resort city of Sochi, Russian officials are making their final arrangements for hosting and securing the global sporting event. Here are the preparations and precautions that Russia has taken ahead of the games:

  • Airlifting the 1980 Moscow Olympics stadium, bleachers, and concession stands to Sochi
  • Lining up the empty cans and bottles that Russian soldiers will fire guns at as part of the opening ceremony
  • Discarding games’ original slogan, “Potentially the Most Terrifying Olympics of All Time”
  • Adding matte gray ring with dozens of protruding blades to Olympic logo to represent Russia
  • Warning the athletes that Vladimir Putin can and will jump into any of the competitions at any moment
  • Placing tarp over Sochi’s 18-foot-tall bronze statue of Judy Garland
  • Preparing to detonate four explosions during the opening ceremony, just to make any additional ones feel like part of the plan
  • Putting finishing touches on Olympic Village so that it may support itself in the long term, complete with a butcher shop, milliner, and schoolhouse
  • Eradicating the global terrorist threat

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