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International

Study: Other Countries Weird

BOSTON—Examining a wide variety of cross-cultural data, a Boston University study released Monday determined that other countries are weird.

Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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How Russia Is Preparing For The Winter Olympics

With the 2014 Winter Olympics just days away from opening in the resort city of Sochi, Russian officials are making their final arrangements for hosting and securing the global sporting event. Here are the preparations and precautions that Russia has taken ahead of the games:

  • Airlifting the 1980 Moscow Olympics stadium, bleachers, and concession stands to Sochi
  • Lining up the empty cans and bottles that Russian soldiers will fire guns at as part of the opening ceremony
  • Discarding games’ original slogan, “Potentially the Most Terrifying Olympics of All Time”
  • Adding matte gray ring with dozens of protruding blades to Olympic logo to represent Russia
  • Warning the athletes that Vladimir Putin can and will jump into any of the competitions at any moment
  • Placing tarp over Sochi’s 18-foot-tall bronze statue of Judy Garland
  • Preparing to detonate four explosions during the opening ceremony, just to make any additional ones feel like part of the plan
  • Putting finishing touches on Olympic Village so that it may support itself in the long term, complete with a butcher shop, milliner, and schoolhouse
  • Eradicating the global terrorist threat

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