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After Birth

Kids Excited Mom Learning To Swear

PESHTIGO, WI—After a lifetime of assiduously avoiding the use of foul language, Helen Chernak, 59, is finally learning to swear, her delighted offspring reported Monday.

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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How To Talk To Your Child About Racism

Here are The Onion’s tips for discussing the difficult topic of racism with your child.

  • If you’re having trouble finding the right entry point to the topic, wait a couple hours for some new national tragedy to spur the discussion.
  • Be sure to provide your child with the full historical context surrounding racism, beginning with American slavery and ending with the passage of the Civil Rights Act of 1964.
  • They’ll value your honesty. Both “I don’t know” and “Christ, I said I don’t know, Taylor!” are perfectly valid answers to their questions.
  • Invite a Chinese stranger to your home and have your children sit next to them on the couch until they feel at ease. Repeat for all other races.
  • Remind kids it’s okay to notice ethnicity as long as you avoid talking about it until you get in the car.
  • Don’t forget to unconsciously impart all of your racial biases during the discussion.
  • Go ahead and slip in some admonitions in favor of safe sex and responsible driving if the opportunity arises.
  • If your child is upset or uncomfortable, rest assured that you’ve conveyed the situation to them fully and accurately.


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