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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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How To Teach Your Children Money Management

In an uncertain economy, it’s important to provide young people with the tools they’ll need to make prudent financial decisions. Here are The Onion’s tips for talking to your children about money management:

  • Provide your child invaluable real-world experience by paying them below the poverty level for their manual labor.
  • Require a PowerPoint presentation detailing projected quarterly profits before you agree to invest any of your capital in powdered lemonade mix.
  • Simulate the free market by having all of your children compete for a single allowance.
  • Demonstrate the importance of proper savings by repeatedly overdrawing your family’s checking account and suffering devastating ulcers as a result.
  • Get your child excited about personal finance! Make some fun fake currency out of colorful construction paper and have your child put it in a pretend high-interest CD that they can’t touch for five years!
  • It might seem like a lot of work now, but investing a little extra time will ensure you find the translation of Marx’s Das Kapital that’s right for your kids.
  • Make sure you’re very clear with your college-bound teen about the long-term risks of accumulating credit card debt, as they’ll have to weigh your warnings against the benefits of Capital One T-shirts and Frisbees.
  • Personal accountability is key. Remind your child that although you pay their bills now, they won’t be 33 forever.

After Birth

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