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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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How The College Admissions Process Works

This week hundreds of colleges across the country will be notifying applicants whether they’ve been accepted, waitlisted, or rejected. Here’s how college admissions departments determine their incoming freshman class:

  • Step 1: Admissions officers immediately reject all applicants who have the same first name as anyone they don’t like
  • Step 2: Colleges dispatch officials to monitor students while they sleep to see if they actually dream of going to their school
  • Step 3: School calculates a raw ranking score for each applicant based on all the standardized tests they took, including the SAT, ACT, SAT II, PEMCAP, GANT, Intermediate Bovis Assessment, ATK, PDB, Advanced Bovis Assessment, and the BLIM
  • Step 4: Colleges automatically accept anyone whose essay deals with a life-changing experience of some kind
  • Step 5: Twelfth application received on December 12 is granted admission for that particular candidate and four of their friends
  • Step 6: Wealthy father sits down with dean of admissions to see if they can’t straighten out this whole hit-and-run misunderstanding
  • Step 7: The final decision is made as to who is admitted and who needed just one more extracurricular
  • Step 8: Once an applicant is rejected, admissions officers call all other universities and warn them against accepting him or her
  • Step 9: Admissions office throws out big stack of applications they didn’t get to
  • Step 10: Before acceptance letters are mailed out, the dean of admissions places a personal red lipstick kiss on each one
  • Step 11: Stationery suppliers assist colleges in finding the exact envelope size to psychologically destroy applicants
  • Step 12: Your parents, relatives, and friends spend the next five months convincing you that the school you got into is actually pretty good and it’s really more about what you put into the experience than anything
  • Step 13: Soup kitchens go back to being understaffed and patiently hold out until next year’s application cycle

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