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How The College Admissions Process Works

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Details Of Dream House Getting Much Less Specific With Each New Place Found In Price Range

CORPUS CHRISTI, TX—With her initially stated desire for restored wide-plank floors and a walk-in pantry having already been broadened to any hardwood or laminate flooring and decent kitchen storage space, sources confirmed Friday that aspiring homeowner Chelsea Lange has supplied a progressively vaguer description of her dream home with each new place she reviews in her price range.

Viewers Impressed By How Male Trump Looked During Debate

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying the Republican nominee exhibited just the qualities they were looking for in the country’s next leader, viewers throughout the nation reported Monday night that they were impressed by how male Donald Trump appeared throughout the first debate.

Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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How The College Admissions Process Works

This week hundreds of colleges across the country will be notifying applicants whether they’ve been accepted, waitlisted, or rejected. Here’s how college admissions departments determine their incoming freshman class:

  • Step 1: Admissions officers immediately reject all applicants who have the same first name as anyone they don’t like
  • Step 2: Colleges dispatch officials to monitor students while they sleep to see if they actually dream of going to their school
  • Step 3: School calculates a raw ranking score for each applicant based on all the standardized tests they took, including the SAT, ACT, SAT II, PEMCAP, GANT, Intermediate Bovis Assessment, ATK, PDB, Advanced Bovis Assessment, and the BLIM
  • Step 4: Colleges automatically accept anyone whose essay deals with a life-changing experience of some kind
  • Step 5: Twelfth application received on December 12 is granted admission for that particular candidate and four of their friends
  • Step 6: Wealthy father sits down with dean of admissions to see if they can’t straighten out this whole hit-and-run misunderstanding
  • Step 7: The final decision is made as to who is admitted and who needed just one more extracurricular
  • Step 8: Once an applicant is rejected, admissions officers call all other universities and warn them against accepting him or her
  • Step 9: Admissions office throws out big stack of applications they didn’t get to
  • Step 10: Before acceptance letters are mailed out, the dean of admissions places a personal red lipstick kiss on each one
  • Step 11: Stationery suppliers assist colleges in finding the exact envelope size to psychologically destroy applicants
  • Step 12: Your parents, relatives, and friends spend the next five months convincing you that the school you got into is actually pretty good and it’s really more about what you put into the experience than anything
  • Step 13: Soup kitchens go back to being understaffed and patiently hold out until next year’s application cycle

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