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Most Notable Google Ventures

Ten years ago this week, Google Street View launched, offering panoramic views of locations all over the world. As the tech giant continues to debut new projects, The Onion highlights some of Google’s most ambitious ventures to date:

Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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How The College Admissions Process Works

This week hundreds of colleges across the country will be notifying applicants whether they’ve been accepted, waitlisted, or rejected. Here’s how college admissions departments determine their incoming freshman class:

  • Step 1: Admissions officers immediately reject all applicants who have the same first name as anyone they don’t like
  • Step 2: Colleges dispatch officials to monitor students while they sleep to see if they actually dream of going to their school
  • Step 3: School calculates a raw ranking score for each applicant based on all the standardized tests they took, including the SAT, ACT, SAT II, PEMCAP, GANT, Intermediate Bovis Assessment, ATK, PDB, Advanced Bovis Assessment, and the BLIM
  • Step 4: Colleges automatically accept anyone whose essay deals with a life-changing experience of some kind
  • Step 5: Twelfth application received on December 12 is granted admission for that particular candidate and four of their friends
  • Step 6: Wealthy father sits down with dean of admissions to see if they can’t straighten out this whole hit-and-run misunderstanding
  • Step 7: The final decision is made as to who is admitted and who needed just one more extracurricular
  • Step 8: Once an applicant is rejected, admissions officers call all other universities and warn them against accepting him or her
  • Step 9: Admissions office throws out big stack of applications they didn’t get to
  • Step 10: Before acceptance letters are mailed out, the dean of admissions places a personal red lipstick kiss on each one
  • Step 11: Stationery suppliers assist colleges in finding the exact envelope size to psychologically destroy applicants
  • Step 12: Your parents, relatives, and friends spend the next five months convincing you that the school you got into is actually pretty good and it’s really more about what you put into the experience than anything
  • Step 13: Soup kitchens go back to being understaffed and patiently hold out until next year’s application cycle

More from this section

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

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