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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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How The Government Shutdown Could End

As the government shutdown nears a full week, neither house of Congress appears ready to budge. Here are some ways the standoff could be resolved:

  • American public takes to streets and overthrows existing government following two unbearable weeks without access to the National Gallery of Art
  • Depending on the kind of person you are, with a whole bunch of poor people either getting exactly what they deserve or becoming victims of a cold and heartless system
  • With simple vote, whenever lobbyists give go-ahead to do so
  • It’s conceivable that the Capitol building could collapse and kill everyone inside if high-powered explosives were to be planted at key structural weaknesses throughout the rotunda
  • Boehner’s doe-eyed niece plaintively asks why she can’t go to Cuyahoga Valley National Park and see the bears
  • Maybe a press release
  • When we realize we had the power to end it all along, but we had to learn to believe in ourselves
  • Asteroid 658 Eugenia
  • Boehner and Obama lock eyes, kiss passionately, and realize their love is bigger than any problems between them
  • Almost certainly with Ted Cruz proclaiming victory

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