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John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.

What You Need To Know About The Dakota Access Pipeline

Construction is currently stalled on the Dakota Access Pipeline, which would connect North Dakota’s Bakken Shale development to oil tank farms in Illinois, by protests led by members of the Standing Rock Sioux tribe. The Onion provides answers to key questions about the project.

What Can Americans Expect Under A Trump Presidency?

With two months until the inauguration of Donald Trump, many Americans are wondering what his term will look like and what his administration might accomplish. The Onion answers some common questions about Trump’s upcoming presidency

James Comey Quickly Reopens Clinton Email Investigation For Few More Minutes

‘Nope, Looks Like It’s All Good Here,’ Says FBI Director

WASHINGTON—In a letter addressed to Congress that was quickly followed by a second message retracting the first, FBI director James Comey is said to have briefly reopened the investigation into Hillary Clinton’s emails for several more minutes Friday.

Pollsters Admit They Underestimated Voters’ Adrenal Glands

WASHINGTON—In response to widespread criticism that they had failed to predict Donald Trump’s victory in the 2016 election, analysts from polling organizations around the nation admitted Thursday they had underestimated the influence of voters’ adrenal glands on the presidential race.
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How The Government Shutdown Could End

As the government shutdown nears a full week, neither house of Congress appears ready to budge. Here are some ways the standoff could be resolved:

  • American public takes to streets and overthrows existing government following two unbearable weeks without access to the National Gallery of Art
  • Depending on the kind of person you are, with a whole bunch of poor people either getting exactly what they deserve or becoming victims of a cold and heartless system
  • With simple vote, whenever lobbyists give go-ahead to do so
  • It’s conceivable that the Capitol building could collapse and kill everyone inside if high-powered explosives were to be planted at key structural weaknesses throughout the rotunda
  • Boehner’s doe-eyed niece plaintively asks why she can’t go to Cuyahoga Valley National Park and see the bears
  • Maybe a press release
  • When we realize we had the power to end it all along, but we had to learn to believe in ourselves
  • Asteroid 658 Eugenia
  • Boehner and Obama lock eyes, kiss passionately, and realize their love is bigger than any problems between them
  • Almost certainly with Ted Cruz proclaiming victory

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