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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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How The Government Shutdown Could End

As the government shutdown nears a full week, neither house of Congress appears ready to budge. Here are some ways the standoff could be resolved:

  • American public takes to streets and overthrows existing government following two unbearable weeks without access to the National Gallery of Art
  • Depending on the kind of person you are, with a whole bunch of poor people either getting exactly what they deserve or becoming victims of a cold and heartless system
  • With simple vote, whenever lobbyists give go-ahead to do so
  • It’s conceivable that the Capitol building could collapse and kill everyone inside if high-powered explosives were to be planted at key structural weaknesses throughout the rotunda
  • Boehner’s doe-eyed niece plaintively asks why she can’t go to Cuyahoga Valley National Park and see the bears
  • Maybe a press release
  • When we realize we had the power to end it all along, but we had to learn to believe in ourselves
  • Asteroid 658 Eugenia
  • Boehner and Obama lock eyes, kiss passionately, and realize their love is bigger than any problems between them
  • Almost certainly with Ted Cruz proclaiming victory

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