How The NSA Collects Your Data

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Vol 49 Issue 32

Carl Tresvant

Since he didn’t know anything about the topic being discussed, Carl Tresvant kept his goddamn trap shut.

Obama Taking 8-Day Martha’s Vineyard Vacation

The Obama family will leave Saturday for an 8-day vacation on the quiet, affluent island of Martha’s Vineyard, where they have visited three of the past four summers, and are expected to spend the week golfing, shopping, and relaxing.

Doctors Finally Clear Peyton Manning To Play Football

DENVER—Two years after performing his 2011 spinal fusion surgery, doctors announced this week that Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has been officially cleared to return to the field and take part in football activities.
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How The NSA Collects Your Data

In the wake of the Edward Snowden whistleblowing scandal, pressure has mounted from citizens at large as well as politicians on both sides of the aisle to curb the National Security Agency’s domestic espionage powers. Here’s a look at how the NSA collects your personal data:

  • Step 1: NSA goes to Gmail, guesses “puppy64” as the password for all usernames, and successfully gains access to over 5 million email accounts
  • Step 2: Hits Ctrl+F, types “illegal activity”
  • Step 3: For anyone who doesn’t have a computer, NSA agents bring one right over to your home for you to use
  • Step 4: Automated bots install a tracking program on your internet browser, which logs your incredibly pathetic cycle of only ever visiting the same five sad little websites
  • Step 5: Randomly texts “what’s up?” to citizens and keeps detailed records of everyone’s responses
  • Step 6: Four thousand NSA workers silently tell themselves what they’re doing is okay
  • Step 7: You know how your password turns into dots after you type it? Well, the NSA figured out how to read dots
  • Step 8: NSA agent comes to your house and beats the piss out of you until you give him the information he wants
  • Step 9: America saved
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