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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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How The NSA Collects Your Data

In the wake of the Edward Snowden whistleblowing scandal, pressure has mounted from citizens at large as well as politicians on both sides of the aisle to curb the National Security Agency’s domestic espionage powers. Here’s a look at how the NSA collects your personal data:

  • Step 1: NSA goes to Gmail, guesses “puppy64” as the password for all usernames, and successfully gains access to over 5 million email accounts
  • Step 2: Hits Ctrl+F, types “illegal activity”
  • Step 3: For anyone who doesn’t have a computer, NSA agents bring one right over to your home for you to use
  • Step 4: Automated bots install a tracking program on your internet browser, which logs your incredibly pathetic cycle of only ever visiting the same five sad little websites
  • Step 5: Randomly texts “what’s up?” to citizens and keeps detailed records of everyone’s responses
  • Step 6: Four thousand NSA workers silently tell themselves what they’re doing is okay
  • Step 7: You know how your password turns into dots after you type it? Well, the NSA figured out how to read dots
  • Step 8: NSA agent comes to your house and beats the piss out of you until you give him the information he wants
  • Step 9: America saved

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