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Fermilab Receives Generous Anonymous Particle Donation

BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.

God Excited About First Trip To Japan

THE HEAVENS—After years of talking about visiting the East Asian country, God, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, told reporters Monday that He was excited to finally be taking His first trip to Japan.
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How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope

The Vatican’s College of Cardinals will use an arcane, centuries-old process to select the next pope when it convenes the papal conclave this week. Here is the step-by-step guide to how the new pontiff will be chosen:

  • Step 1: Thorough background check ensures no candidate has previously been pope
  • Step 2: Candidates bare teeth and display genitals for judges to inspect
  • Step 3: Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God
  • Step 4: Transubstantiation lightning round
  • Step 5: Each candidate must stay the entire night in underground crypt to prove bravery
  • Step 6: Holy Spirit trust falls
  • Step 7: Cardinals hold election; in the event of a tie, the Vatican disbands and Catholicism is abolished
  • Step 8: Newly elected pope walks in a counterclockwise circle seven times to prove he’s not the devil
  • Step 9: Pontiff goes into a private room to have his portrait drawn; the first portrait is a serious one and the second is a fun one

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