adBlockCheck

How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope

Top Headlines

Recent News

Obama Resigns From Presidency After Michelle Lands Dream Job In Seattle

‘It’s Time I Made Some Sacrifices For This Family,’ Reports President

WASHINGTON—Saying his wife of 24 years had already sacrificed so much for the sake of his career and that it was time to return the favor, Barack Obama announced Wednesday his resignation as president of the United States of America, effective immediately, following news that Michelle Obama had landed her dream job in Seattle.

High School Nurse Getting Pretty Good At Spotting Morning Sickness

FAIRFIELD, ME―Having seen more students than she can remember come into her office with complaints of nausea and vomiting over the years, Fairfield High School nurse Sarah Bromti told reporters Wednesday she’s getting to the point where she can identify morning sickness without much trouble.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Entertainment

  • How Theaters Are Trying To Win Back Moviegoers

    The number of Americans who went to the movies hit a 20-year low in 2014, leaving theaters scrambling to find ways to incentivize the public to see new releases on the big screen rather than watch films at home or on the internet. Here are some methods theaters are using to win back audiences and increase box office sales:

How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope

The Vatican’s College of Cardinals will use an arcane, centuries-old process to select the next pope when it convenes the papal conclave this week. Here is the step-by-step guide to how the new pontiff will be chosen:

  • Step 1: Thorough background check ensures no candidate has previously been pope
  • Step 2: Candidates bare teeth and display genitals for judges to inspect
  • Step 3: Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God
  • Step 4: Transubstantiation lightning round
  • Step 5: Each candidate must stay the entire night in underground crypt to prove bravery
  • Step 6: Holy Spirit trust falls
  • Step 7: Cardinals hold election; in the event of a tie, the Vatican disbands and Catholicism is abolished
  • Step 8: Newly elected pope walks in a counterclockwise circle seven times to prove he’s not the devil
  • Step 9: Pontiff goes into a private room to have his portrait drawn; the first portrait is a serious one and the second is a fun one

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close