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Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Can Trump Follow Through On His Campaign Promises?

President-elect Donald Trump made a variety of lofty promises during his campaign as part of a pledge to “make America great again.” The Onion looks at several of these promises and evaluates whether Trump will be willing or able to follow through on them.
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How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope

The Vatican’s College of Cardinals will use an arcane, centuries-old process to select the next pope when it convenes the papal conclave this week. Here is the step-by-step guide to how the new pontiff will be chosen:

  • Step 1: Thorough background check ensures no candidate has previously been pope
  • Step 2: Candidates bare teeth and display genitals for judges to inspect
  • Step 3: Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God
  • Step 4: Transubstantiation lightning round
  • Step 5: Each candidate must stay the entire night in underground crypt to prove bravery
  • Step 6: Holy Spirit trust falls
  • Step 7: Cardinals hold election; in the event of a tie, the Vatican disbands and Catholicism is abolished
  • Step 8: Newly elected pope walks in a counterclockwise circle seven times to prove he’s not the devil
  • Step 9: Pontiff goes into a private room to have his portrait drawn; the first portrait is a serious one and the second is a fun one

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