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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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How The Papal Conclave Selects The Pope

The Vatican’s College of Cardinals will use an arcane, centuries-old process to select the next pope when it convenes the papal conclave this week. Here is the step-by-step guide to how the new pontiff will be chosen:

  • Step 1: Thorough background check ensures no candidate has previously been pope
  • Step 2: Candidates bare teeth and display genitals for judges to inspect
  • Step 3: Each cardinal asked to explain the difference between Jesus and God
  • Step 4: Transubstantiation lightning round
  • Step 5: Each candidate must stay the entire night in underground crypt to prove bravery
  • Step 6: Holy Spirit trust falls
  • Step 7: Cardinals hold election; in the event of a tie, the Vatican disbands and Catholicism is abolished
  • Step 8: Newly elected pope walks in a counterclockwise circle seven times to prove he’s not the devil
  • Step 9: Pontiff goes into a private room to have his portrait drawn; the first portrait is a serious one and the second is a fun one

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