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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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How The President Plans To Fix Obamacare

Responding to his administration’s ongoing struggles with the launch of Obamacare, President Barack Obama announced a proposal today that would enable insurance companies to grant one-year extensions to the health plans of Americans who would otherwise face cancellation. Here are some of Obama’s other plans to fix the troubled rollout of his signature health care law:

  • Replacing glitchy healthcare.gov website with a convenient in-person enrollment kiosk located in Washington, D.C.
  • Enrollees allowed to keep preexisting medical conditions
  • Customers will no longer be automatically opted in to the weekly newsletter “Talkin’ Premiums” when they purchase insurance on the exchange
  • Allowing enrollees choice of whether to stay with their current doctor or go with well-regarded Minneapolis-area general practitioner Dr. Joel Glochowsky
  • Losing the semicolon in Chapter V, section 5, clause B
  • As a preventive measure, each American receives free raw steak to reduce swelling on shiners
  • Meeting insurance companies halfway by letting them cancel health care plans for only the sickest patients
  • Obama agrees to preface all future health care updates with statement, “This thing is a hell of a mess”
  • Eliminates requirement for every enrollee to contract terminal disease
  • Offering easy-to-follow instructions on how to snap your own neck in the event that you are diagnosed with cancer and lost your insurance
  • Changing website background to blue

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