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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security

The Transportation Security Administration has released a new report with recommendations for improving security at airports around the nation. Here are the TSA’s planned upgrades:

  • Agents will earn passengers’ trust by performing random screenings and pat downs on themselves throughout the day
  • Security checkpoint agents must now make scribbles on tickets horizontally instead of vertically
  • Gun-carrying privileges restricted to Platinum Club members or higher
  • All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird
  • Prior to takeoff, the captain will more effectively prepare passengers for any potential emergency situations by listing off his greatest weaknesses as a pilot
  • As part of a more comprehensive training program, agents will be required to attend daily lectures on global geopolitical history in order to better understand the root causes of terrorism
  • Passengers who claim to have lost their ticket and ID will no longer be allowed to board certain flights
  • Anyone aged 14 to 78 prohibited from flying
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