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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security

The Transportation Security Administration has released a new report with recommendations for improving security at airports around the nation. Here are the TSA’s planned upgrades:

  • Agents will earn passengers’ trust by performing random screenings and pat downs on themselves throughout the day
  • Security checkpoint agents must now make scribbles on tickets horizontally instead of vertically
  • Gun-carrying privileges restricted to Platinum Club members or higher
  • All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird
  • Prior to takeoff, the captain will more effectively prepare passengers for any potential emergency situations by listing off his greatest weaknesses as a pilot
  • As part of a more comprehensive training program, agents will be required to attend daily lectures on global geopolitical history in order to better understand the root causes of terrorism
  • Passengers who claim to have lost their ticket and ID will no longer be allowed to board certain flights
  • Anyone aged 14 to 78 prohibited from flying

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