How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security

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Goodwill Executives Arrested After Years Of Skimming Donated Goods Off Top

ROCKVILLE, MD—In what authorities are calling one of the most wide-reaching and deplorable cases of embezzlement in recent history, seven executives at Goodwill Industries International were arrested Thursday for allegedly skimming used clothing, old furniture, small appliances, and thousands of other donated items from the charitable group.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.
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How The TSA Plans To Improve Airport Security

The Transportation Security Administration has released a new report with recommendations for improving security at airports around the nation. Here are the TSA’s planned upgrades:

  • Agents will earn passengers’ trust by performing random screenings and pat downs on themselves throughout the day
  • Security checkpoint agents must now make scribbles on tickets horizontally instead of vertically
  • Gun-carrying privileges restricted to Platinum Club members or higher
  • All Auntie Anne’s employees will be instructed to keep their eyes peeled for anything weird
  • Prior to takeoff, the captain will more effectively prepare passengers for any potential emergency situations by listing off his greatest weaknesses as a pilot
  • As part of a more comprehensive training program, agents will be required to attend daily lectures on global geopolitical history in order to better understand the root causes of terrorism
  • Passengers who claim to have lost their ticket and ID will no longer be allowed to board certain flights
  • Anyone aged 14 to 78 prohibited from flying