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New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.
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How To Become An Internet Music Sensation

More and more, bands are recording, releasing, and promoting their music at home using their own computers. Here are some ways a burgeoning musician can make a splash on the Internet:

  • Take advice from your video's helpful YouTube comments section
  • Use GarageBand or another sound-editing application to make your voice sound hilariously deep. People love to laugh!
  • Justin Bieber is only 17; he probably has time to check out your video if you tweet at him
  • Earn your credentials as an online hard rocker by getting wasted at your computer and trashing a hotel's comments page
  • Marrying into Coldplay has long been an acceptable way to break into music
  • These days, interacting with your fans is paramount—consider naming all the tracks on your new album after your 12 YouTube subscribers
  • Is everyone you know a fan of your band on Facebook, Myspace, Tumblr, Twitter, and Blogger? If they aren't, spend as much time as possible building that following and rest assured, coming up with songs with an actual chorus will follow
  • Be an innovator, whatever the fuck that means

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