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How To Become An Internet Music Sensation

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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How To Become An Internet Music Sensation

More and more, bands are recording, releasing, and promoting their music at home using their own computers. Here are some ways a burgeoning musician can make a splash on the Internet:

  • Take advice from your video's helpful YouTube comments section
  • Use GarageBand or another sound-editing application to make your voice sound hilariously deep. People love to laugh!
  • Justin Bieber is only 17; he probably has time to check out your video if you tweet at him
  • Earn your credentials as an online hard rocker by getting wasted at your computer and trashing a hotel's comments page
  • Marrying into Coldplay has long been an acceptable way to break into music
  • These days, interacting with your fans is paramount—consider naming all the tracks on your new album after your 12 YouTube subscribers
  • Is everyone you know a fan of your band on Facebook, Myspace, Tumblr, Twitter, and Blogger? If they aren't, spend as much time as possible building that following and rest assured, coming up with songs with an actual chorus will follow
  • Be an innovator, whatever the fuck that means

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