How To Live Gluten-Free

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 16

Ronald McDonald Gets Millennial Makeover

McDonald’s officials announced this week that they are redesigning longtime mascot Ronald McDonald with a new outfit and will begin mentioning him on Twitter using the hashtag #ronaldmcdonald, though he does not yet have an account of his own.

Local TCBY Has Missed Past 2 Logo Changes

Obama spends another night searching behind White House paintings for safes, an autopsy determines a total loser's corpse contained no traces of drugs or alcohol, and a superstitious Delta Airlines adds busty mermaids to its plane noses.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Customer Service

How To Live Gluten-Free

With the rise in celiac disease and widespread availability of gluten-free products, many Americans are cutting gluten from their diets in an effort to improve their overall health. Here is The Onion’s guide to avoiding wheat, barley, rye, and other glutinous foods:

  • A good way to tell if a food contains gluten is that it will emit a low, hollow sound when tapped.
  • A little amaranth or arrowroot goes a long way to making you forget what cupcakes tasted like.
  • If you’re having a tough time avoiding glutinous food, simply go out and purchase a tiny gluten-straining sieve to install in your throat, which sell for as little as $10.
  • Go all in on cucumbers.
  • If you’re going to be gluten-free, you need to learn the shorthand: A “binker” is a loaf of gluten-free bread, a “sweet Linda” is a restaurant that serves gluten-free items, and a “hoobster” is a pretty woman buying a gluten-free cookbook.
  • Always read the packaging. You’re one of these people now.
  • Murder all bakers in proximity to your home.
  • Staying gluten-free requires dodging temptations, so avoid hanging out in wheat or barley fields and make sure to cut off all contact with your rye farmer.
  • Don’t know any other way to tell you this, but you can’t eat waffles anymore. Sorry.
  • Above all, remember to stock up on money, as staying gluten-free requires a diet rich in supplemental income.
Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More