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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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How To Live Gluten-Free

With the rise in celiac disease and widespread availability of gluten-free products, many Americans are cutting gluten from their diets in an effort to improve their overall health. Here is The Onion’s guide to avoiding wheat, barley, rye, and other glutinous foods:

  • A good way to tell if a food contains gluten is that it will emit a low, hollow sound when tapped.
  • A little amaranth or arrowroot goes a long way to making you forget what cupcakes tasted like.
  • If you’re having a tough time avoiding glutinous food, simply go out and purchase a tiny gluten-straining sieve to install in your throat, which sell for as little as $10.
  • Go all in on cucumbers.
  • If you’re going to be gluten-free, you need to learn the shorthand: A “binker” is a loaf of gluten-free bread, a “sweet Linda” is a restaurant that serves gluten-free items, and a “hoobster” is a pretty woman buying a gluten-free cookbook.
  • Always read the packaging. You’re one of these people now.
  • Murder all bakers in proximity to your home.
  • Staying gluten-free requires dodging temptations, so avoid hanging out in wheat or barley fields and make sure to cut off all contact with your rye farmer.
  • Don’t know any other way to tell you this, but you can’t eat waffles anymore. Sorry.
  • Above all, remember to stock up on money, as staying gluten-free requires a diet rich in supplemental income.
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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

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