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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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How To Live Gluten-Free

With the rise in celiac disease and widespread availability of gluten-free products, many Americans are cutting gluten from their diets in an effort to improve their overall health. Here is The Onion’s guide to avoiding wheat, barley, rye, and other glutinous foods:

  • A good way to tell if a food contains gluten is that it will emit a low, hollow sound when tapped.
  • A little amaranth or arrowroot goes a long way to making you forget what cupcakes tasted like.
  • If you’re having a tough time avoiding glutinous food, simply go out and purchase a tiny gluten-straining sieve to install in your throat, which sell for as little as $10.
  • Go all in on cucumbers.
  • If you’re going to be gluten-free, you need to learn the shorthand: A “binker” is a loaf of gluten-free bread, a “sweet Linda” is a restaurant that serves gluten-free items, and a “hoobster” is a pretty woman buying a gluten-free cookbook.
  • Always read the packaging. You’re one of these people now.
  • Murder all bakers in proximity to your home.
  • Staying gluten-free requires dodging temptations, so avoid hanging out in wheat or barley fields and make sure to cut off all contact with your rye farmer.
  • Don’t know any other way to tell you this, but you can’t eat waffles anymore. Sorry.
  • Above all, remember to stock up on money, as staying gluten-free requires a diet rich in supplemental income.

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