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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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How To Protect Your Personal Information Online

Following the recent data breach at retail giant Target, which exposed credit card numbers and personal information of as many as 110 million people, many Americans have grown concerned about their safety and privacy online. Here is The Onion’s guide to keeping your personal information secure from hackers:

  • Always log into your Gmail account in person by traveling to Mountain View, CA and letting the Google folks know it’s you.
  • The key to protection is being informed about risks. If you receive a suspicious-looking email, assiduously click on all the links and follow their instructions to learn more about the threat.
  • To keep your phone data safe at all times, never unlock your iPhone screen.
  • Publicly post sensitive personal information about close friends and family to draw hackers away from you.
  • For usernames and passwords, choose something that’s easy for you to remember: a phrase you know you’ll never forget, like “Buchenw@ld,” “Dachau#!,” or “Bergen-Bel$en.”
  • Hackers have been known to infiltrate public Wi-Fi networks, so make sure to switch stores or cafés every 45 seconds while working in public.
  • Wear a plastic badge that says “CyberSecurity Force” to scare off snoopers.
  • Remember that if you offer hackers unconditional love they will no longer feel the need to hack.
  • Always be aware of your surroundings when accessing sensitive information in public. Listen closely for anyone nearby subsequently tapping on their laptop and then muttering, “I’m in.”
  • If you suspect your computer is untrustworthy, smash a radio in front of it with a hammer to send it a message.
  • There are lots of ways to stay safe online, but the most important are to just stay true to yourself and follow your heart.
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