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Finance

What’s Inside Trump’s Tax Returns

Donald Trump’s aides have confirmed that the Republican presidential nominee will not release his tax returns despite numerous public calls for him to honor the expectation of transparency for presidential hopefuls. Here are some of the potentially damning contents that Trump prefers not to release to the public

Financially Struggling Trump Campaign Holds Fundraising Riot

NEWARK, NJ—Having raised only $3.1 million last month despite clinching the Republican nomination and with just $1.3 million on hand, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign sought a much-needed injection of cash Wednesday by holding a fundraising riot in Newark, sources confirmed.

The Pros And Cons Of For-Profit Colleges

With studies showing that for-profit college degrees create more debt and no more added value for students, many are questioning the merits of these institutions. Here are the pros and cons of for-profit colleges

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Upcoming Changes To U.S. Currency

Secretary of the Treasury Jack Lew recently announced a series of significant changes to U.S. currency. Here are some of the more notable alterations on the horizon

Head Of IRS Has Personal Filing System To Keep Track Of Nation’s Tax Returns

Commissioner’s Office Cluttered With 100 Million Folders

WASHINGTON—Pointing out the towering stacks of manila folders cluttering his desk and stepping carefully around the millions of forms laid out on his office floor, Commissioner of the Internal Revenue Service John Koskinen showed reporters Thursday his own personal filing system for keeping track of everyone in the nation’s tax returns.

Grandmother Palms Grandson $10 Like She Fixing Boxing Match

NEW BEDFORD, MA—Waiting until her daughter and son-in-law were occupied getting drinks in the kitchen following a family dinner at her home Sunday, local grandmother Ellen Sullivan, 72, is said to have palmed her 11-year-old grandson Jason Tucci $10 like she was fixing a heavyweight boxing match.
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How To Protect Your Personal Information Online

Following the recent data breach at retail giant Target, which exposed credit card numbers and personal information of as many as 110 million people, many Americans have grown concerned about their safety and privacy online. Here is The Onion’s guide to keeping your personal information secure from hackers:

  • Always log into your Gmail account in person by traveling to Mountain View, CA and letting the Google folks know it’s you.
  • The key to protection is being informed about risks. If you receive a suspicious-looking email, assiduously click on all the links and follow their instructions to learn more about the threat.
  • To keep your phone data safe at all times, never unlock your iPhone screen.
  • Publicly post sensitive personal information about close friends and family to draw hackers away from you.
  • For usernames and passwords, choose something that’s easy for you to remember: a phrase you know you’ll never forget, like “Buchenw@ld,” “Dachau#!,” or “Bergen-Bel$en.”
  • Hackers have been known to infiltrate public Wi-Fi networks, so make sure to switch stores or cafés every 45 seconds while working in public.
  • Wear a plastic badge that says “CyberSecurity Force” to scare off snoopers.
  • Remember that if you offer hackers unconditional love they will no longer feel the need to hack.
  • Always be aware of your surroundings when accessing sensitive information in public. Listen closely for anyone nearby subsequently tapping on their laptop and then muttering, “I’m in.”
  • If you suspect your computer is untrustworthy, smash a radio in front of it with a hammer to send it a message.
  • There are lots of ways to stay safe online, but the most important are to just stay true to yourself and follow your heart.

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