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Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.
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How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives. Here are some ways you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:

  • Boil all bodily fluids before consumption.
  • Regularly examine your DNA under an electron microscope for any indication that Ebola has attached itself to your cell membranes.
  • Recognize the symptoms of Ebola, which include fever, chills, and developing symptoms too late to do anything about them.
  • Cover the nose and mouth of Ebola patients when they sneeze to avoid spreading germs.
  • Avoid eating bat soup, which is actually pretty sound advice whether there’s an ongoing Ebola outbreak or not.
  • Ebola can only be spread once patients are symptomatic, so if you believe you’ve been exposed, get all your errands and public trips out of the way before your symptoms start showing.
  • Be sure to stay up to date on developments by signing up for the official CDC phone tree.
  • Try being born one of the 15 percent of rural Gabonese citizens with natural immunity to the virus.
  • Give billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies.
  • If you see a suspicious-looking filamentous virus particle roughly one micron in length, stay away.
  • Continue following lifelong plan of avoiding Dallas, TX at all costs.
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