How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

Top Headlines

Recent News

Siblings Each Hoping Other One Will Take Care Of Aging Parents Someday

CLEVELAND—Explaining that they simply didn’t want to have to deal with the immense time commitment and emotional exhaustion, sisters Katie and Ellen Cattell each privately admitted to reporters this week that they were hoping the other sibling would someday be the one to take care of their aging parents.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Where Your Political Donation Goes

With over $1 billion spent in the 2016 presidential race alone, campaign donations continue to cause much controversy and even confusion for their role in shaping politics. Here is a step-by-step guide to how the average American’s political donation travels through a campaign

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives. Here are some ways you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:

  • Boil all bodily fluids before consumption.
  • Regularly examine your DNA under an electron microscope for any indication that Ebola has attached itself to your cell membranes.
  • Recognize the symptoms of Ebola, which include fever, chills, and developing symptoms too late to do anything about them.
  • Cover the nose and mouth of Ebola patients when they sneeze to avoid spreading germs.
  • Avoid eating bat soup, which is actually pretty sound advice whether there’s an ongoing Ebola outbreak or not.
  • Ebola can only be spread once patients are symptomatic, so if you believe you’ve been exposed, get all your errands and public trips out of the way before your symptoms start showing.
  • Be sure to stay up to date on developments by signing up for the official CDC phone tree.
  • Try being born one of the 15 percent of rural Gabonese citizens with natural immunity to the virus.
  • Give billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies.
  • If you see a suspicious-looking filamentous virus particle roughly one micron in length, stay away.
  • Continue following lifelong plan of avoiding Dallas, TX at all costs.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close