adBlockCheck

Recent News

Best Sports Documentaries

With ESPN’s film ‘OJ: Made In America’ emerging as an Oscars frontrunner this year, Onion Sports looks back at some of the greatest sports documentaries of all time.

New EPA Chief Proposes 30% Cut In All Carbon-Based Organisms

WASHINGTON—Expressing confidence that the nation would meet the ambitious benchmarks by the end of Donald Trump’s presidential term, Scott Pruitt, the president-elect’s nominee for chief of the Environmental Protection Agency, said Thursday he would seek a 30 percent cut in all carbon-based organisms upon assuming office.
End Of Section
  • More News

How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives. Here are some ways you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:

  • Boil all bodily fluids before consumption.
  • Regularly examine your DNA under an electron microscope for any indication that Ebola has attached itself to your cell membranes.
  • Recognize the symptoms of Ebola, which include fever, chills, and developing symptoms too late to do anything about them.
  • Cover the nose and mouth of Ebola patients when they sneeze to avoid spreading germs.
  • Avoid eating bat soup, which is actually pretty sound advice whether there’s an ongoing Ebola outbreak or not.
  • Ebola can only be spread once patients are symptomatic, so if you believe you’ve been exposed, get all your errands and public trips out of the way before your symptoms start showing.
  • Be sure to stay up to date on developments by signing up for the official CDC phone tree.
  • Try being born one of the 15 percent of rural Gabonese citizens with natural immunity to the virus.
  • Give billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies.
  • If you see a suspicious-looking filamentous virus particle roughly one micron in length, stay away.
  • Continue following lifelong plan of avoiding Dallas, TX at all costs.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close