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How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola

This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives. Here are some ways you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:

  • Boil all bodily fluids before consumption.
  • Regularly examine your DNA under an electron microscope for any indication that Ebola has attached itself to your cell membranes.
  • Recognize the symptoms of Ebola, which include fever, chills, and developing symptoms too late to do anything about them.
  • Cover the nose and mouth of Ebola patients when they sneeze to avoid spreading germs.
  • Avoid eating bat soup, which is actually pretty sound advice whether there’s an ongoing Ebola outbreak or not.
  • Ebola can only be spread once patients are symptomatic, so if you believe you’ve been exposed, get all your errands and public trips out of the way before your symptoms start showing.
  • Be sure to stay up to date on developments by signing up for the official CDC phone tree.
  • Try being born one of the 15 percent of rural Gabonese citizens with natural immunity to the virus.
  • Give billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies.
  • If you see a suspicious-looking filamentous virus particle roughly one micron in length, stay away.
  • Continue following lifelong plan of avoiding Dallas, TX at all costs.

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