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Politics

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.

Biden Opts Out Of Putting Last Few Felonies On Job Application

WASHINGTON—Saying he would be “sitting pretty” if he landed such a primo gig, Vice President Joe Biden reportedly decided Tuesday to leave off several of his most recent felonies while filling out a job application for a blackjack dealer position at the Horseshoe Casino Baltimore.
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How Trump Continues To Lead The Polls

Recent polls indicate that, despite public outcry against his incendiary comments on women and minorities, Donald Trump is still the leading Republican candidate. Here are some reasons Trump stays so popular with his supporters:

  • Highly relatable lack of qualifications for holding government office
  • Americans’ appreciation for classic underdog story of man who started with only several hundred million dollars and went on to make several billion dollars
  • Only candidate to publicly state willingness to make America great again
  • Exploits other Republican candidates’ weaknesses by allowing them to open their mouths and speak on issues
  • Very, very handsome
  • Voters eager to see presidential library with three infinity pools and rooftop driving range
  • Bolstered by impassioned endorsement from Donald Trump
  • Eccentric, megalomaniac billionaire still more relatable to average American than anyone willing to dedicate life to politics
  • Appeals to widespread desire to see nation implode sooner rather than later

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